How Grief Impacts Your Mind, Body and Spirit

[00:00:00] Hey there, and welcome to Heal with Grace.
[00:00:03] I'm your host, Grace Secker, and I'm a holistic licensed therapist and nervous system
[00:00:07] coach who believes that the chronic and often unseen symptoms you're living with are a sign
[00:00:12] of something deeper going on.
[00:00:14] A sign that your nervous system needs attention.
[00:00:17] In each episode, I'll share the science behind the most common chronic health disorders
[00:00:21] plus holistic health tips using mental, physical, and spiritual practices.
[00:00:26] You'll hear what I've learned in my journey and the true stories from our
[00:00:29] trusted guests so you can feel less alone in your experience and give yourself grace
[00:00:34] no matter what you're going through.
[00:00:36] So without further ado, settle in and get cozy.
[00:00:38] It's time to Heal with Grace.
[00:00:41] Hello, and welcome back to the Heal with Grace podcast.
[00:00:45] I'm here to talk to you today about how grief impacts the nervous system and first
[00:00:50] and foremost what grief really is, how it impacts us, literally down to how it
[00:00:56] changes our heart and what to do about it.
[00:01:02] So as you know, I've talked about on here how I've gone through a divorce in the past
[00:01:06] year, which if you've been through any kind of divorce or difficult breakup, you know
[00:01:11] that it comes with lots of grief.
[00:01:13] And I myself am new to this type of grief.
[00:01:17] I've never had a big death in my life of anyone really close to me.
[00:01:23] And so I'm learning.
[00:01:25] I'm really learning how to be with it, how to manage it and what grief really means.
[00:01:30] So let's go ahead and dive in.
[00:01:33] First and foremost, what is it?
[00:01:35] So the definition of grief is, grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss.
[00:01:43] Not only experienced by death, but by the loss of someone or something.
[00:01:48] It could be the loss of a job, retirement, a partner, divorce, empty nesters, even life
[00:01:56] lived in a certain location if you've moved.
[00:01:59] So grief can happen in many different ways.
[00:02:02] I know we think of it oftentimes as the result of a death, but there are things that
[00:02:08] we lose in our lifetime, whether that's a friendship or something like that, and it
[00:02:12] doesn't have to just be about death.
[00:02:15] So grief often includes physiological distresses.
[00:02:19] It can include separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past and
[00:02:25] apprehension about the future.
[00:02:28] Our brains actually change when we're grieving.
[00:02:31] So when you're grieving, a flood of neurochemicals and hormones dance around in your head.
[00:02:37] There can be a disruption in hormones that result in specific symptoms such as disturbed
[00:02:42] sleep, loss of appetite, fatigue, anxiety, emotional eating, disordered eating, any ways
[00:02:49] to cope.
[00:02:51] Also, it can increase hormones such as adrenaline, which can literally cause narrowing of the
[00:02:58] small arteries that supply the heart with blood, causing a temporary decrease in blood
[00:03:05] flow to the heart.
[00:03:07] Which is fascinating to me, because I mean grief usually involves some sort of pain with
[00:03:14] either heartbreak or love or attachment, right?
[00:03:17] It's usually around a certain person or situation that you feel really attached to
[00:03:23] and loved and connected to.
[00:03:26] And so there's going to be a loss there and a sadness around your heart and we can
[00:03:30] actually see physical effects of grief, which of course just goes in line with what
[00:03:36] we're here to talk about, right?
[00:03:38] The mind and body connection and how they work together.
[00:03:43] Grief actually causes the physical body to change and to conserve energy, going into
[00:03:49] survival mode.
[00:03:51] And what we know about survival mode is it's the stuck, stressed out place of our
[00:03:56] nervous system.
[00:03:57] And acutely, we need that, sometimes that's completely normal for our nervous system
[00:04:03] to go into fight or flight situation when it's appropriate, right?
[00:04:07] When we need to swerve to get out of the way of a car accident or in our primal
[00:04:13] days to run away from a bear or a tiger, we need that.
[00:04:17] But the problem is that in the grieving process, sometimes that fight or fight
[00:04:24] place can get stuck.
[00:04:26] So when we grieve, the body is put into the sympathetic nervous system, which
[00:04:31] again is the fight, flight or freeze, which we know can affect all kinds of
[00:04:35] mental and physical declines in health.
[00:04:37] Our body undergoes an excessive amount of stress and realizes it's going to need
[00:04:42] to use a whole lot more energy to get through this time.
[00:04:45] So again, in the short term, increase in hormones help us get out of these tough
[00:04:51] times.
[00:04:52] Your body is going into conserving energy.
[00:04:54] Your body is going through a really difficult time.
[00:04:56] So it's saying, oh, OK, this is really stressful and it's going to be hard on us
[00:05:01] for a while. So let's take away energy from certain areas, the brain,
[00:05:06] different organs and conserve it because we're going to need this long term.
[00:05:11] Thing is they heighten awareness.
[00:05:14] It increases decision making and even numbs emotions like sadness,
[00:05:19] dissociation, anxiety, regret, depression, which can help us cope
[00:05:24] to get through the tough part.
[00:05:26] So depression is a normal result of grief.
[00:05:30] Anxiety is a normal result of grief.
[00:05:32] Sadness is a normal result, right?
[00:05:35] And that's OK.
[00:05:36] Like that is completely OK when you're grieving.
[00:05:39] It's natural.
[00:05:40] But if this goes on for a long time, our nervous system tends to get
[00:05:43] stuck in the stress response, which is why we need to be able
[00:05:47] to learn how to cope with grief so that your body can learn to move
[00:05:52] through it instead of getting stuck.
[00:05:54] So ways that it can get stuck, the ways that we know that it can get
[00:05:58] stuck can be things like long term depression, long term shutdown.
[00:06:04] Your body can react in different ways like chronic fatigue,
[00:06:07] chronic pain, chronic symptoms, new symptoms popping up,
[00:06:12] just a feeling of apathy and numbness.
[00:06:15] So if these are experienced for long periods of time,
[00:06:19] it's because our body's saying, like, I can't handle all of this.
[00:06:23] So let's just cope in these ways that we know how.
[00:06:27] So what we need to do is teach it new ways, right?
[00:06:31] And one other thing I will say before we talk about tips
[00:06:34] is that grief is weird.
[00:06:37] It just is.
[00:06:38] It hits at all different times.
[00:06:41] I've heard that, and I understand that, and I've recognized it,
[00:06:45] and I've seen friends and worked with clients through it,
[00:06:48] but really experiencing it for myself,
[00:06:50] I truly understand what that meant.
[00:06:53] I truly understand the depths of how painful grief is
[00:06:58] and also how it just comes out at random times
[00:07:02] that you don't realize are going to come out.
[00:07:06] There are some times that make sense, right?
[00:07:08] You're reminded of the person or situation that you lost.
[00:07:12] You watch a show or a movie that reminds you, right?
[00:07:15] Something along those lines makes sense,
[00:07:17] but sometimes it just hits.
[00:07:20] You wake up in the morning and you feel like crap
[00:07:22] and you're sad and you're numb
[00:07:24] and you don't really know what to do.
[00:07:26] And so the reason why I wanna say this
[00:07:29] is because we do have to give ourselves so much grace, right?
[00:07:33] The point of this podcast.
[00:07:35] Give yourself so much grace and compassion
[00:07:37] because everyone's journey with grief is different.
[00:07:41] So sometimes it's helpful to understand
[00:07:43] what Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has termed and founded
[00:07:48] the five stages of grief.
[00:07:50] I first wanna note that it's been found
[00:07:53] that there are no set stages we all go through,
[00:07:55] meaning that our feelings and emotions
[00:07:58] do not follow an order.
[00:08:00] They will come and go over time.
[00:08:02] Everyone experiences it differently in their own way
[00:08:05] and their own time and goes through stages
[00:08:08] and phases just differently.
[00:08:11] Again, grief is weird.
[00:08:13] It's just gonna take its own path.
[00:08:15] So you may experience some of these things
[00:08:18] in the stages of grief model or all of them,
[00:08:21] or you might have quite different emotions.
[00:08:23] So I have to put that out there
[00:08:25] because you don't have to go through all these stages,
[00:08:27] whether that's in order or not in order at all,
[00:08:30] but it can help identify where you are
[00:08:33] if you feel connected to one of these.
[00:08:35] It did help me understand like, oh, I'm okay.
[00:08:39] Yeah, I probably am in this place right now
[00:08:41] with my process just to help understand, right?
[00:08:44] Give some language to it and separate yourself
[00:08:47] from the deep feelings you're having.
[00:08:50] So there are five stages
[00:08:51] that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross came up with
[00:08:54] and what I'm about to tell you is taken from all of that.
[00:08:58] So one of them is denial.
[00:09:00] This can look like feeling numb,
[00:09:02] not knowing how to feel.
[00:09:04] You might feel like you've moved on
[00:09:06] and it didn't affect you,
[00:09:07] carrying on like nothing happened,
[00:09:10] it might look like you consciously know that it happened,
[00:09:13] but you're kind of acting like it didn't
[00:09:15] or you're just kind of going on with life
[00:09:18] and not really changing much
[00:09:21] when maybe your life is changing a lot.
[00:09:24] Anger is another stage
[00:09:28] and it's completely natural emotion.
[00:09:31] If you haven't listened to it yet,
[00:09:33] go back and listen to how to regulate your emotions
[00:09:36] and we talk about how we need to accept all emotions
[00:09:38] and anger is definitely one of them.
[00:09:41] Anger is completely natural emotion
[00:09:43] and it's very natural after a loss.
[00:09:46] I mean, if you think about it, of course,
[00:09:48] how could you not be angry that you lost something
[00:09:50] or someone that was so close and important to you?
[00:09:54] Whatever you've gone through or lost
[00:09:56] can seem cruel and unfair,
[00:09:58] especially when you feel someone has died
[00:10:00] before their time or you had plans for the future
[00:10:04] together with someone that aren't going to happen anymore
[00:10:08] or you thought something was going to play out
[00:10:09] a certain way and it didn't.
[00:10:12] It's also common to feel angry
[00:10:14] towards the person or situation that has left
[00:10:18] or angry at yourself for things that you did
[00:10:21] or didn't do before the loss.
[00:10:24] There might be a lot of going back and forth
[00:10:26] and playing out situations
[00:10:27] or looking at your life overall and being angry
[00:10:31] for the fact that you're in this
[00:10:32] and you have to feel it.
[00:10:33] Anger is completely natural
[00:10:36] and we need to learn how to feel it.
[00:10:38] Give yourself that grace and feeling.
[00:10:42] I had a client go through a really difficult break up
[00:10:45] after being together for many years and living together.
[00:10:48] Although this was definitely a choice that they chose
[00:10:52] and it was meant to be, it was meant to happen.
[00:10:55] She had some acceptance around it.
[00:10:58] It still came with a lot of grief, right?
[00:11:00] Grief at that part of her life was over
[00:11:03] and she has to enter into a new life.
[00:11:06] And so even things like moving into her own place
[00:11:11] and being able to get new things
[00:11:15] but also being so angry that she has to do this
[00:11:19] and get new things, right?
[00:11:20] So there could be both.
[00:11:22] There could be that anger and frustration and sadness
[00:11:25] and also the acceptance
[00:11:27] that this is what was supposed to happen
[00:11:29] and we'll get to acceptance in a second.
[00:11:32] So bargaining is another one.
[00:11:35] When you're in pain, it's sometimes hard to accept
[00:11:39] that there's nothing you can do to change things.
[00:11:42] Bargaining is when you start to make deals with yourself
[00:11:45] or perhaps, you know, higher power, God
[00:11:48] or something like that if you're religious or spiritual,
[00:11:52] you wanna believe that if you act in a particular way
[00:11:55] you will feel better.
[00:11:57] So it's also common to find yourself going over
[00:12:00] things that happened in the past
[00:12:02] and asking a lot of what if questions,
[00:12:05] wishing you could go back and change things
[00:12:08] and hopes that things could have been different, right?
[00:12:11] Maybe it was an accident where you lost someone
[00:12:13] and you go over and over how it could have been different,
[00:12:16] how if you had done this or that
[00:12:18] or they had done this or that
[00:12:20] or if it's a loss of a partner or divorce
[00:12:22] feeling like what, I mean,
[00:12:25] how could I could have done things differently?
[00:12:28] How could they have done things differently?
[00:12:30] There's a lot of bargaining that can happen
[00:12:32] in different phases of grief.
[00:12:34] This is where, again, lots of compassion knowing that,
[00:12:38] one, it's normal to wanna feel that way
[00:12:40] because or want to think that way
[00:12:42] because think about it this way.
[00:12:45] When your body and your brain is going through
[00:12:47] something so painful, your brain wants to figure it out.
[00:12:52] Your brain wants to figure out something and fix it
[00:12:54] so that you don't have to feel this way.
[00:12:56] You don't have to feel the sadness and the pain.
[00:12:59] And so it's gonna try and go through
[00:13:00] all different kinds of scenarios
[00:13:03] to try and figure it out and fix it.
[00:13:05] When in reality, most often than not,
[00:13:08] we can't fix these things.
[00:13:10] We can't fix a loss.
[00:13:12] Now, there might be some times where people
[00:13:13] can go into repair and repair something
[00:13:15] but especially in the case of a death,
[00:13:18] obviously we can't fix that.
[00:13:20] And so this is a normal process.
[00:13:22] It's something your brain totally wants to do
[00:13:24] to take care of you, but it's not always possible.
[00:13:28] And so just recognizing that and moving through that phase
[00:13:32] can be helpful to just understand that,
[00:13:34] okay, you might be in that bargaining phase.
[00:13:37] Another one is depression.
[00:13:40] So depression, again, like I said,
[00:13:42] is very natural and normal after grief.
[00:13:45] Sadness and longing are what you think of most often
[00:13:50] when you think about grief.
[00:13:52] This pain can be so intense
[00:13:54] and come in waves over many months or years.
[00:13:58] Life can feel like it no longer holds any meaning,
[00:14:01] which can be really scary.
[00:14:03] So sometimes we think of depression
[00:14:06] as something like a disorder, right?
[00:14:08] There's depression disorder.
[00:14:10] But also depression is a state of being.
[00:14:13] It's a place that we get to
[00:14:15] when we have experienced something like grief
[00:14:18] or something is just really unmanageable
[00:14:22] or sad and difficult to experience.
[00:14:25] And so especially depression in relation to grief is natural.
[00:14:31] It's okay, it's not a disorder, it's not a disease.
[00:14:34] It's something that you're going to experience.
[00:14:36] Your mind, your body, your spirit
[00:14:38] is going to experience throughout this time of grief.
[00:14:42] And yes, it totally comes in waves.
[00:14:46] And it doesn't just mean it's one month of a time
[00:14:49] and then you're over it.
[00:14:50] It can come and go.
[00:14:52] I have definitely experienced some depression
[00:14:54] in this past year and I will tell you,
[00:14:57] it kind of scared me.
[00:14:59] I had to work through this
[00:15:00] because if you've heard my story,
[00:15:03] I dealt with depression for,
[00:15:05] man, almost probably 10 years of my life
[00:15:08] and it was debilitating and I was hopeless.
[00:15:11] I thought that was just gonna be it forever.
[00:15:14] I really struggled with mental health.
[00:15:16] It humbled me, this experience,
[00:15:18] because I thought of myself as moved past depression.
[00:15:21] I really have not experienced it since then.
[00:15:24] And I mean, truthfully, I have really worked hard on myself
[00:15:28] and my mental, physical, spiritual health
[00:15:30] to where I really didn't experience depression
[00:15:33] for the last probably 10 years.
[00:15:36] And I did now, I definitely have.
[00:15:39] And ooh, it totally scared me.
[00:15:40] I thought, oh my gosh, I'm back to this horrible,
[00:15:43] difficult, hopeless place.
[00:15:45] What am I gonna do?
[00:15:46] I'm not the person I thought I was.
[00:15:48] I'm not as healed and spiritual as I thought I was,
[00:15:52] but it's just not the case.
[00:15:55] This is just, again, a natural response
[00:15:58] and it's going to come and go.
[00:16:01] How could you not, again, kind of like anger,
[00:16:03] how could you not feel this deep longing and sadness
[00:16:06] after a loss of someone or something so important to you?
[00:16:11] And last but not least, acceptance.
[00:16:15] Acceptance is a place that is really important, actually,
[00:16:19] to get to, but it can be really difficult to get to
[00:16:22] in your grieving process.
[00:16:23] So grief comes in waves and it can feel like
[00:16:27] nothing will ever be right again,
[00:16:29] but gradually you can find that the pain eases
[00:16:33] and it's possible to accept what has happened.
[00:16:36] You may never get over the loss,
[00:16:39] but you can learn to live again
[00:16:40] while keeping the memories of what or who
[00:16:43] you have lost with you.
[00:16:45] Acceptance comes in stages.
[00:16:47] You might have consciously accepted it,
[00:16:50] but on an unconscious level you haven't.
[00:16:53] And so let me give an example of this.
[00:16:56] Well, first, acceptance doesn't have to mean
[00:16:59] you like it, you love it, you're okay with it.
[00:17:02] Acceptance means you have this understanding
[00:17:05] that what happened happened
[00:17:07] and you're not gonna try and bargain or change it.
[00:17:10] You're not gonna really get angry
[00:17:12] much about it anymore.
[00:17:14] It just is what it is.
[00:17:15] You've accepted that it happened
[00:17:17] and you're accepting that you're moving on
[00:17:19] knowing that this is a part of your history.
[00:17:21] This is a part of your past,
[00:17:23] but it doesn't have to drive you.
[00:17:25] It doesn't have to bog you down or get you stuck anymore.
[00:17:29] So when you consciously might accept something
[00:17:33] but unconsciously didn't means that, okay,
[00:17:37] you might think, okay, I get it,
[00:17:39] this happened or this person died
[00:17:41] or I lost this friendship
[00:17:43] and this is what it is and it's really hard and it sucks,
[00:17:46] but underneath the surface,
[00:17:48] you're still pretty angry and upset
[00:17:50] and not really understanding why it happened.
[00:17:54] And so yeah, this can definitely happen.
[00:17:57] So I'll share my experience with acceptance.
[00:18:01] The early stages, I had this relief come over me
[00:18:04] because if you've ever been through
[00:18:06] a divorce or a difficult breakup,
[00:18:08] you know that there's a lot leading up
[00:18:10] to the actual decision, right?
[00:18:12] A lot of pain, a lot of going through to try to figure out
[00:18:16] what to do, whether to stay, whether to go,
[00:18:18] how to make this choice.
[00:18:20] And so once it's made, some people feel, I did,
[00:18:24] I felt some relief, like that hard part's over.
[00:18:27] We can just move on.
[00:18:29] And so I kind of sat in this for a little bit.
[00:18:31] I think there was some denial there
[00:18:33] in a way that there was a denial
[00:18:36] that I didn't have to deal with it anymore,
[00:18:39] which yeah, that's not the truth at all.
[00:18:43] I thought that I had accepted it,
[00:18:45] but the months afterwards after that,
[00:18:48] yeah, I definitely didn't.
[00:18:51] I was still very much so in the depths of my pain
[00:18:54] and fear and shame and embarrassment and disappointment.
[00:18:59] There was just so much that I didn't recognize
[00:19:02] and my body totally took a toll.
[00:19:06] And this can happen not only if you,
[00:19:08] even if you haven't had any kind of chronic illness
[00:19:11] or pain or anything in your past, our bodies react.
[00:19:14] I've talked to multiple women, multiple people
[00:19:17] who have gone through a difficult loss or a divorce.
[00:19:20] And yeah, they tell me about their medical issues
[00:19:24] and their health issues
[00:19:26] that their health started to decline significantly,
[00:19:29] leading up to it or afterwards.
[00:19:31] Because again, I mean, as mentioned
[00:19:34] in the beginning of this episode,
[00:19:35] the physiological changes in our body actually happen.
[00:19:39] Our body's going through a state of intense stress.
[00:19:44] So your physical body is going to react.
[00:19:47] And so I want you to know that
[00:19:48] just to let you know that it's normal, it's okay.
[00:19:51] It's hard and it's not fun, but it is normal
[00:19:56] and it doesn't have to last
[00:19:58] as long as you learn to take care of yourself
[00:20:00] throughout this grief.
[00:20:02] So that's what all, let's go into what we do.
[00:20:05] How do we manage grief?
[00:20:08] So there's a few different ways.
[00:20:10] One big way is acceptance.
[00:20:13] Cannot stress this enough.
[00:20:15] That acceptance does not have to mean you like it
[00:20:18] or love it, it just means that it is what it is.
[00:20:21] And you can accept that you're going to go
[00:20:23] through these waves, that you're going to feel sadness,
[00:20:26] loneliness, depression, anger, disappointment,
[00:20:30] whatever it is, you're going to feel these things,
[00:20:32] you're going to have these experiences.
[00:20:35] It allows you to be a little bit more separate
[00:20:37] from this experience and feeling.
[00:20:39] Having compassion and grace for yourself
[00:20:42] that you're going through it.
[00:20:43] It's totally okay to have these experiences
[00:20:47] when you're grieving.
[00:20:48] And so if you can allow yourself to grieve,
[00:20:51] allow yourself to go through these phases
[00:20:52] knowing that it's not going to last forever
[00:20:55] but this is where you are in life,
[00:20:57] then these phases and these feelings
[00:21:01] don't actually have to affect you so much.
[00:21:04] It's kind of like we put a little bit of a separation barrier
[00:21:07] between you, your consciousness
[00:21:10] and actually what you're feeling when you can accept it.
[00:21:14] It's this relief that happens when we accept ourselves,
[00:21:20] our emotions and our process and where we are in life.
[00:21:24] But if you're sitting there and going through it
[00:21:27] and hating it, hating yourself,
[00:21:29] hating your life, questioning your life,
[00:21:30] questioning all the things and why you're here,
[00:21:33] why this happened and it creates more stress
[00:21:36] in your nervous system and more stress in your body.
[00:21:39] So we need a lot of grace and compassion.
[00:21:41] I've said it many times so far in this process
[00:21:44] so that we can accept that this is where we are,
[00:21:47] this is what's going on and you're going to learn
[00:21:50] and take care of yourself through it.
[00:21:52] So that's a big, big, big one.
[00:21:55] Another really important one is connecting with people
[00:21:58] who are going through something similar
[00:22:00] because grief can feel really isolating.
[00:22:02] No matter what type of grief, it just, it does.
[00:22:05] It feels so isolating because if you don't know someone
[00:22:08] that's close to you that has been through grief like this,
[00:22:11] it's just hard to connect with people who haven't
[00:22:15] because they just don't know.
[00:22:17] They can be there for you,
[00:22:18] they can be compassionate and understanding
[00:22:21] but they just don't truly understand the depths of that pain
[00:22:26] and everything that comes with it.
[00:22:28] And so whether that's joining a support group, a therapist,
[00:22:34] some type of group or connecting with people
[00:22:36] who have gone through something similar
[00:22:38] is so important along your grief journey.
[00:22:41] It really helps connect and soothe their nervous system.
[00:22:44] Part of soothing our nervous system
[00:22:47] is actually engaging what's called
[00:22:48] the social engagement system in our nervous system.
[00:22:52] So one way that's found to soothe
[00:22:55] and to regulate our nervous system
[00:22:56] is to connect with others that feel safe.
[00:22:58] And when we can do this in a way of looking at grief
[00:23:02] is when we can connect with people
[00:23:03] that can truly understand us or provide some hope,
[00:23:07] we have another like exhale in our bodies.
[00:23:11] Our nervous systems literally actually soothe
[00:23:14] and feel safe and regulate
[00:23:15] when we're in the presence of other people that are safe.
[00:23:18] And so connection is really important
[00:23:20] throughout this process.
[00:23:22] Letting your feelings be okay throughout this is huge.
[00:23:26] I'm recognizing there's a time to feel
[00:23:29] and there's a time to probably move throughout your life.
[00:23:31] So one thing that's really been important to me
[00:23:34] is building a container around my grief.
[00:23:37] So like I said before,
[00:23:39] and if you're listening to this, you probably know
[00:23:42] that grief is weird and comes out in all different ways.
[00:23:47] And so sometimes when it comes up,
[00:23:49] we don't have the availability and the space
[00:23:53] to just sit there and feel.
[00:23:54] I mean, we live in reality.
[00:23:56] We have jobs and lives and kids and partners and friends.
[00:23:59] And so when it does come up
[00:24:03] and you don't know what to do with it
[00:24:04] or you don't have time to feel it,
[00:24:07] please don't just push it away
[00:24:09] or push it down if possible.
[00:24:11] A really great practice to do
[00:24:13] is to put a hand over your heart,
[00:24:16] close your eyes for a second and take a few deep breaths
[00:24:19] and remind yourself, talk to yourself.
[00:24:21] Talk to the grief and say, you know what?
[00:24:24] I hear you.
[00:24:25] I feel you.
[00:24:28] Oh, I feel you.
[00:24:28] I know it's difficult and I acknowledge that you're here.
[00:24:32] I acknowledge the sadness.
[00:24:33] I acknowledge the heartache.
[00:24:36] But you know what?
[00:24:37] I don't have time to feel it right now.
[00:24:39] So I'm just gonna imagine putting you in a box,
[00:24:44] putting you just to the side, okay?
[00:24:47] I will come back and feel you.
[00:24:49] I will come back and I'll pay attention and I'll feel.
[00:24:54] But for right now, I need to put it to the side
[00:24:57] and move on with my day.
[00:24:59] And you can do that through, you know,
[00:25:01] talking to yourself, placing your hand over your heart.
[00:25:05] You could even journal about it for just a minute
[00:25:08] or five minutes, something like that
[00:25:10] just to give it acknowledgement.
[00:25:12] And then when you can put it to the side,
[00:25:14] you can say, okay, I'll come back.
[00:25:16] It doesn't push it down.
[00:25:18] It's not dismissive.
[00:25:19] We're not dismissing it.
[00:25:20] We're not stuffing it down.
[00:25:22] You're just putting it to the side
[00:25:23] and saying, you know what?
[00:25:24] I'll come back because you will.
[00:25:26] That will come back up again, right?
[00:25:28] Grief will be there or maybe you set some time later
[00:25:32] or the next day to make sure
[00:25:34] to give yourself some attention.
[00:25:36] Put on a song, feel, be sad,
[00:25:40] hold yourself, fry on your floor,
[00:25:43] whatever it might look like.
[00:25:45] And so that you can really give yourself,
[00:25:48] give that grief some airtime.
[00:25:49] That's really what it needs.
[00:25:50] It needs some attention.
[00:25:51] It needs some airtime.
[00:25:52] But again, we live in this world
[00:25:54] and we can't always do that.
[00:25:56] That's a really important practice
[00:25:59] and a way to contain it
[00:26:01] because it's going to be there.
[00:26:04] Grief can last.
[00:26:05] I mean, it's just so in person
[00:26:08] and experience specific.
[00:26:11] It can last months, years, right?
[00:26:14] And so it's going to come and go.
[00:26:18] And so if you can learn to feel it when it's there
[00:26:20] but also recognize that you wanna live your life,
[00:26:22] you wanna move on.
[00:26:23] And so moving throughout your day and your life,
[00:26:26] even with a hint of grief
[00:26:30] is something that we need to learn to do.
[00:26:32] And so on that note,
[00:26:34] another important practice to recognize
[00:26:36] is when you do move throughout your day,
[00:26:38] when you do your work,
[00:26:39] when you meet with friends,
[00:26:41] when you're just living your life,
[00:26:43] you might have this feeling that nothing sits quite right
[00:26:47] or nothing feels the same as much anymore.
[00:26:50] And that's normal as well.
[00:26:53] And so it might feel a little weird at first
[00:26:56] or just you don't know what to do.
[00:26:57] This can come from kind of feeling numb or sad.
[00:27:02] It can feel like things just don't,
[00:27:04] things you used to like to do,
[00:27:06] you don't want to do anymore.
[00:27:08] And again, that is normal.
[00:27:10] But what I'll tell you here
[00:27:11] is don't make so much meaning out of it.
[00:27:14] Don't try to figure it out.
[00:27:16] Just know that that's part of the process.
[00:27:18] Keep doing these things, keep living your life.
[00:27:22] And it might take you down a new route.
[00:27:24] Who knows, you might start doing something new
[00:27:27] or you might just need some time
[00:27:29] to go through this process
[00:27:31] and then you might feel connected to those things again.
[00:27:34] But grief changes us.
[00:27:37] It makes us look at ourselves, our lives,
[00:27:40] the world in a different way.
[00:27:41] And so you might find that you're not interested
[00:27:43] as much in things that used to be interested in anymore.
[00:27:47] And you might find new things.
[00:27:49] Either way, just know that it's okay.
[00:27:51] And it's normal to just feel
[00:27:54] a little bit numb towards a lot right now
[00:27:56] when you're going through this.
[00:27:58] And so for instance, when you show up to work,
[00:28:01] you might feel so disconnected from your work.
[00:28:04] But just know that that's okay.
[00:28:05] It's part of the process.
[00:28:06] Just keep doing it and see if you can find things
[00:28:09] to be connected to.
[00:28:12] But at the end of the day,
[00:28:13] just keep doing what you're doing
[00:28:15] and moving through it and giving yourself
[00:28:17] all the compassion and grace and keep feeling.
[00:28:23] And then keep moving through it.
[00:28:25] Live your life.
[00:28:26] Everything doesn't need to be put on pause.
[00:28:30] But again, I mean,
[00:28:31] there might be some things that shift and change.
[00:28:33] Relationships are going to shift.
[00:28:35] They're going to change.
[00:28:36] You might not find that relationships
[00:28:37] fit you the same way as they used to anymore.
[00:28:40] That could be friends, family, romantic partners,
[00:28:43] whatever it may be.
[00:28:44] And so brief, it just, it does, it changes us.
[00:28:49] It really makes us look at the world in our lives
[00:28:51] in a totally different way.
[00:28:53] And you might find yourself rethinking
[00:28:56] how you see your life.
[00:28:58] And that's okay.
[00:28:59] Sometimes it can be overwhelming,
[00:29:01] but let it be part of the process.
[00:29:04] Let it be there.
[00:29:06] I actually want you to see if you can allow
[00:29:08] this place in your life to be an invitation
[00:29:10] for a transformation.
[00:29:12] It often is, it often transforms the lives of people
[00:29:15] when you go through grief
[00:29:16] and you learn how to cope with it
[00:29:18] and you learn new meanings about yourself and your life.
[00:29:21] So allow it to be an invitation to do that.
[00:29:24] Allow yourself to look at your life
[00:29:26] and the way you're doing things a little bit differently
[00:29:29] and to see how that goes.
[00:29:31] It can be a beautiful awakening.
[00:29:33] It can be a beautiful transformation.
[00:29:35] A lot of healing and transformation
[00:29:37] comes out of deep, deep pain.
[00:29:40] We need both in life.
[00:29:42] And I wonder if you were able to look at this situation,
[00:29:45] this grief that you're in,
[00:29:47] as a way to learn more about yourself
[00:29:49] and how you want to live your life
[00:29:51] as a beautiful transformation
[00:29:53] and see where that takes you.
[00:29:55] Another really important practice
[00:29:57] to help you cope and move through grief
[00:29:59] is journaling and reflecting.
[00:30:02] So there's a lot going on in your mind.
[00:30:04] There's a lot going on in your body
[00:30:07] and this doesn't mean that you need to
[00:30:10] turn it all out so much about how you feel all the time
[00:30:14] and keep records of everything
[00:30:15] but just touching base with yourself on a regular basis.
[00:30:20] This could literally be just bullets
[00:30:21] of like how your day went
[00:30:23] or a memory that you had, something like that.
[00:30:28] Just to kind of keep track and tune in to yourself.
[00:30:31] Let yourself stay in connection with how you feel
[00:30:35] and what you're working through right now.
[00:30:40] And last but not least, I'll recap with this.
[00:30:43] Allow, allow, allow, allow your process
[00:30:46] to be your process.
[00:30:47] It's going to look different from the person next to you
[00:30:51] or anyone else that you connect with and get support.
[00:30:54] Support is so helpful, whether that's a group,
[00:30:57] therapist, someone you can talk to about it.
[00:31:00] It's really, really important to not feel isolated
[00:31:03] and to stay alone in this process.
[00:31:05] So I hope this was helpful.
[00:31:07] Please let me know if you have any questions
[00:31:09] that you can DM me on Instagram and I'm always here.
[00:31:14] So thanks for listening and I will talk to you soon.
[00:31:19] If this podcast means something to you,
[00:31:21] it would mean so much to me
[00:31:22] if you could do these couple things.
[00:31:24] One, go to the Heal With Grace Show page
[00:31:26] wherever you listen and tap the plus sign
[00:31:28] or click on the follow button
[00:31:30] so you don't miss an episode.
[00:31:32] It helps both of us out.
[00:31:33] While you're there, if you could get a five star review
[00:31:36] so that this podcast can reach more people,
[00:31:39] it would mean so much to me
[00:31:40] so I can continue sharing episodes
[00:31:42] that help you as well as others.
[00:31:45] Thanks for listening
[00:31:46] and I hope this brings you hope on your journey.