The Art of Saying No: Boundaries as a Tool for Healing

Hey, there beautiful souls, welcome back to the heal with grace podcast, where we dive deep into the mind, body, and spirit to help you navigate life's challenges with a little more ease and a lot more grace. I'm your host grace Secker. Your go to psychotherapist, nervous system coach, and certified yoga therapist.

If you're here, you're probably looking for ways to heal, to grow, and to live a life that feels a little lighter, a little freer, maybe a lot lighter, a lot freer. And guess what? You're in the right place. Today, we're talking about a topic that is near and dear to my heart and something that I've had to learn the hard way and something that I know many of you struggle with, too.

I talk about this all the time. All the time with my clients. We're talking about the art of saying no and how setting boundaries can be one of the most powerful tools in your healing journey, especially when you're dealing with chronic fatigue, chronic pain, grief, depression, or just the overwhelming busyness of life.

So grab your favorite beverage, get comfy. Let's dive in.

Okay. Let's start with a simple truth. You can not pour from an empty cup. You've probably heard that saying before, but have you really taken it to heart when you're dealing with chronic conditions like fatigue, pain, depression, grief, that empty cup can feel more like a bottomless pit. And yet so many of us still push ourselves to stay yes to everything, whether it's work, family, obligations, social events, or even just staying on top of our to do lists.

And some of that comes from the conditioned response of. It feels like if we do more, we're more appreciative, we're more worthy, we're more of a success, you know, fill in the blank with a certain belief system about ourselves. But here's the thing. Every time you say yes to something that drains you, you're saying no to something that could replenish you.

And I'm going to say that again, because it's not about saying no to everything and becoming selfish. It's about saying yes to the things that light you up and no to the things that drain you Within reason, right? I recognize we're human. We live in reality. We have obligations, like, of course. But if you're someone that constantly says yes, that people pleases, that always feels like you need to be doing more, we need to talk about boundaries and how they actually come in and what that looks like.

So that's what we're going to talk about today. What it actually looks like to say yes to everything. Where's people pleasing come in? How does it actually affect your health? And what do we do with that? We learn it. About boundaries and what boundaries really are. Boundaries are kind of like personal guardrails.

They're there to protect your energy, your time, and most importantly, your wellbeing. When you set a boundary, you're telling yourself and the world what you can and cannot handle. And that's not just okay. It's essential. So, so essential to your health, to your life. And when you are your healthiest and best and highest self.

It benefits everyone around you. It may not seem like that at first. Sometimes when we set boundaries, not everyone understands it or likes it, but it is for the good of the humanity of the whole, right? Like if you are your healthiest and highest and best person, and everyone continues to strive to do that, learns how to set boundaries, we will elevate humanity, consciousness, and Our health always benefits everyone else as well.

So it's not, it's truly not just about being selfish. And we're going to talk more about that. It's truly giving to yourself what you need, and it will also impact others. Now, for those of us dealing with chronic conditions, this is especially crucial. Your body's already working overtime just to keep you going.

So when you add in extra stress, Extra obligations, or even just extra noise. It's like throwing gasoline on a fire. That's already burning too hot boundaries. Aren't about being selfish. They're about being smart. They're about recognizing your limits and respecting them, even if others don't always understand.

So, let's 1st, talk about. People pleasing let's talk about the act of saying yes, and what that's really doing to you to your health and what it really looks like. So, I'm going to use the term people pleasing. It doesn't always mean just because you say, yes, you're a people pleaser. But if you tend to kind of go with the flow more often than not, you tend to go with other people's opinions or choices instead of choosing for yourself.

Meaning, for example, you always tend to go with someone else's option for where to go eat, or you are usually the one that says, I don't care. I don't mind, you know, whatever. Again, that's not bad, but if you're doing it over and over and over again, you're actually, even if you don't consciously recognize it, You are dismissing your own choices and desires and own authentic self.

So the more that we do this, the more that it often creates chronic stress. as individuals constantly push themselves to meet the expectations of others. So this usually can lead to an over activation of the body stress response, particularly the sympathetic nervous system, which we know as the fight or flight, right?

That red zone, yellow zone of the nervous system. And over time, the constant activation of this stress response can dysregulate what's called the HPA access, the hypothalamic Pituitary adrenal access, which is responsible for managing the body's stress response. And so I'm, I'm giving you all these terms because I just, I want you to recognize how much when you dismiss yourself and you say yes to so many things, like it truly does impact your nervous system.

When we can get into this negative stress response, which, by the way, if you want to really understand the nervous system states, I highly recommend you going back to, my episode on the nervous system and I will also link that as well. But basically what happens is when we get into this stress response, and we just regulate the HPA access, we can have things that impact our cortisol levels, and we can have high cortisol levels, which have been linked to inflammation, immune system suppression, disruptions and digestion, sleep metabolism, all which contribute to the development of chronic conditions like chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, digestive disorders, migraines.

All the above. It also leads to nervous system exhaustion when people operate in a constant state of fight or flight, basically due to the emotional demands of people pleasing. It's the simple analogy is when your cup is overflow, when your cup is overflowing. It's going to be really hard to make that back up, right?

Like how are you going to bring your cup back down to a place that feels manageable? That's your nervous system. We want to help your nervous system get into more of a parasympathetic state, which is that rest and digest. So your body can heal the way it's supposed to. When The body struggles to return to the rest and digest mode, it prevents recovery and repair processes, making the bodies more vulnerable to illness. So research has also shown that people pleasers often suppress their own emotions, their needs, their desires to avoid conflict or rejection.

This emotional suppression has also been linked to various health issues. it's associated with people. who have chronic pain, gastrointestinal disorders, somatization disorders, like chronic headaches, muscle pain. oftentimes people pleasers habitually deny their own needs. And this has been been found as one of the key personality characteristics of people with chronic conditions.

It has shown time and time again, how much there's higher anxiety,there's that person who might seem or you might seem like an are a very genuine, nice, loving and caring person and oftentimes want to take care of others, which is a wonderful thing, right? I am not saying to not help at all. But it's when we do it over and over and over again, and we started dismissing ourselves, our time, our energy, which can lead to this negative stress response.

And when we have a negative stress response, when we're stuck in that fight or flight, it impacts the immune system, right? Which can increase inflammation. it can literally create us more susceptible to illnesses. A lot of times people, pleasers end up developing these tendencies as a result of childhood experiences.

Such as growing up in environments where love or approval was conditional. So let's talk about this. When we have been taught much more on a subconscious level that we need to accommodate others in order to keep the peace or in order to make everything happy, make everyone happy to, get away from a negative possible negative response.

This creates a chronic pattern of self sacrifice, which can lead to long term stress. Some of this you might have heard called Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, and research on ACEs suggests that individuals who experienced emotional neglect, abuse, or other forms of stress in childhood are more likely to develop chronic illnesses later in life, and people pleasing is often a learned coping mechanism to avoid conflict or gain approval in such environments, leading to a lifelong pattern of stress.

So maybe you've true, maybe you truly had, abuse going on in your household and you were the one who learned that if you stay quiet, if you just make everyone happy by appeasing everyone else, then things will go well. You won't have abuse. At least that's the hope, right? So then we learn this conditional response that, Oh, we just want to appease others.

We want to keep the peace. Thanks. And it also doesn't have to be abuse. You might just have someone in the house that had really strong opinions and they had a hard time seeing your side of things or your opinion or really just respecting anyone else's. And so you just learned to go along with it. You learned that if you spoke up, if you tried to say anything that was different than their opinion, it didn't matter, or you would just get kind of bulldozed over.

So you learned to people, you learned to just sit back and either be silent or just go along with whatever is. front of you. And so this is more of a negative way of appeasing and quote unquote helping someone else. This is not saying that if you're, you know, a caretaker and helping others or just helping out in a situation where someone asked you for help, that's not a bad thing.

Again, it's just recognizing what our energy levels are and how to work with that.

One other thing I want to note about saying yes a lot or people pleasing is that sometimes it can carry perfectionistic tendencies, feeling the need to perform flawlessly or to maintain approval or avoid criticism. And this can kind of go in line with exactly what I was just saying, where if it feels like we need to go along with someone else and what they're saying, it might also feel like we kind of have to be perfect so that we don't get picked on or we're not told that we're doing something wrong.

And that perfectionism leads to a lot of high stress because it feels like we always have to be on or we're doing something wrong, or we're always a failure and studies have linked perfectionism to increased risk for things like depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, syndrome, fibromyalgia, and other stress related disorders.

actually research by Dr. Gordon Flett and Dr. Paul Hewitt has demonstrated that that perfectionism, which is closely related to people pleasing can lead to heightened stress, burnout, mental health disorders, all of which are risk factors for chronic physical illnesses. And so we want to make sure that I just want to help you understand what these look like, because sometimes, and I think I've mentioned this before on the podcast, but I I'll tell you again, that I actually remember sitting in my therapist office in grad school and this is at the heightened school.

state of my chronic pain. And she was just kind of getting to know me, really understanding more of who I am. And somehow we got down the road of perfectionism. And she didn't actually say that word right off the bat, but we were talking about it. And I remember sitting there saying, I don't, I'm, I can't be, I'm not a perfectionist because I can't, like, I've always been just underneath the mark.

Like I can never get to the place where it feels like, you know, I'm, I'm good enough. I was always that person that got an 89, not a 90, or I was always average, not high, high on a roll or honor roll or something along those lines. Like I could never just get that last mark. I could never dot the I or the T it was never good enough.

And she looked at me. And I looked up at her and it sunk in.

That is perfectionism because nothing's perfect. We can't get it right all the time. And especially if you have that mindset that you always have to be doing more or you're not worthy or you're not doing good or you're not doing enough, then you literally will never be able to perceive yourself as doing enough.

Right. Where from the outside, there might be someone looking at you being like, man, she does all the things. Right. So oftentimes we don't really realize that we are a yes person or people pleaser or a perfectionist. And it takes a little discovering or self reflection to help us get to that place. Maybe, you know, right off the bat and you're like, yep, that's what I deal with.

That's, that's what I'm working on. Right. Great. It's just a work in progress. but I hope this helps paint a picture a little bit more of, of what that really does look like. I also talk more about this in episode 35 on the top three personality characteristics, keeping you sick. so go back and, and look at that one or listen to that as well, if you haven't, but I just need to paint that picture for help for us to help us really understand why it's important to set boundaries.

And if you want to learn a little bit more about the study of mind body health and how emotional suppression and people pleasing actually leads to things like psychosomatic autoimmune diseases, go check out Dr. Gabor Mate.

He, if you don't know who he is, he is a wonderful speaker, author, educator and wonderful human and talks all about this and share so much information. So there's that as well.

Okay. So I've talked about what people pleasing is, what saying yes is, maybe what perfectionism is. And I hope you have a good idea of all of this. And. When I talk about it, I want you to know, again, this is not an all or nothing, meaning it's not that, oh, you're the strict high rigid perfectionist or you're not at all.

It's a spectrum, y'all. Totally a spectrum. And everyone has their different tendencies, right? Me compared to someone else, Might not look very perfectionistic y, is that the term? Or people pleasing. one, because I very much so worked on that. I have really honed in and learned about my people pleasing over the years.

And learned how not to. Now at the same time, it's always a learning experience. And I feel like every year I'm learning a different lesson in it. But just remember, everyone has their own tendencies. So how do we learn to stop dismissing ourselves in order to take care of ourselves? Let's talk about the power of no, the power of setting boundaries, and how we can do that in an artful way or a compassionate and empathetic way.

So why is it so hard to say sometimes for many of us saying no can feel uncomfortable because we don't want to disappoint others. At the end of the day, saying no might make it feel like we are less worthy. We don't want to disappoint. We don't want someone to not like us. We don't want to see on seem unhelpful, unkind, or like we're not a team player, but here's the truth saying no doesn't make you any of those things.

It makes you someone who knows their limits and respects their own needs. When you say no, you're not just rejecting a task or an obligation. You're making a choice to protect your energy. And in doing so you're creating space for what truly matters, your health, your peace, your healing. Think about that person.

Think about someone, you know, who stands tall. They have this energetically and physically, Right. So like our physical posture actually has a lot to say about how we hold ourselves energetically and emotionally and within the world. But someone who knows how to voice their opinions and a very authentic way knows how to protect their energy or really lean into things that serve them and lean out of things that don't serve them.

Someone that has that strong sense of self, that energy, you can feel it, right? You might not recognize it off the bat, but once you start to think about this, you, you know, that person or people in your life. So I want to give you an example of a client actually, that I've worked with a few years ago.

She was that person who said yes to everything. And I mean, truly everything. Everyone saw her as this amazing, wonderful, like, when you would talk about her, they'd probably say, oh, she's amazing. You know, so and so we'll just call her Sarah. Sarah was, is always like there to help. She's great. She works so hard for the people around her.

If you need a volunteer, sure. If you need, someone to take on an extra project. Yeah. She would do it. Want to grab dinner after a long day? Yeah. Why not? Why wouldn't you want to go grab dinner with a friend? But the thing is she didn't realize that every time she was saying yes, she was chipping away at her own wellbeing.

She came to me because she was super exhausted, burnout and pain, both physically and emotionally. she dealt with chronic fatigue, chronic pain, migraines. hormone disruption, a lot of different issues. and interesting enough, once we dug a little bit deeper, she was actually very lonely, even though she would say yes to a lot of things.

It was hard for her to really feel comfortable with herself or actually find deep connection because the connections that she made with people weren't on a deeper level. They were a lot more surface because she was more of a, I'll do this for you. I'll do that for you type of person. And it wasn't until we started to understand this and really dive into what it looked like that we start to realize.

She's truly on one reason. She's so exhausted because she's doing so much. And it wasn't until she started to say no, that she began to feel that shift. It felt really scary at first, and uncomfortable and weird. And sometimes she maybe kind of went too far in the other direction where she was saying no all the time, or she felt kind of mean when she was saying it because she wouldn't really give it in a, a compassionate way.

And that's okay. That happens. Sometimes we kind of have to swing to one other side, meaning we start saying no to everything before we can kind of come back to the middle and realize, okay, where's my balance, but what she realized was saying no, or even just taking a minute, like taking a day. Sleeping on it before answering that became her best way to communicate and the way that she be able, she was able to tune into herself and recognize, okay, what's for me and what's not for me.

It gave her to rest, to recharge and to focus on what truly nourished her. And I mean, guess what? The world didn't fall apart. People didn't stop liking her. In fact, she started to gain deeper connections with the people that she truly realized she wanted to connect more with. She found that those who truly cared about her started respecting her boundaries and those who didn't, well, they weren't her people that she needed in her life anyway.

And what she found was that when the word no started to seem kind of harsh, we talked about it this way. We've talked about different ways of saying no and setting boundaries that can Feel a little more compassionate, right? So, for example, she could say something like, you know what? As much as I would love to see you and spend some time, I'm recognizing that I need Some slowing down and to take it easy this week, my nervous system is just a little shot right now.

And, I'd love to reschedule for another time because I, I do value your friendship and maybe you insert an alternate option or you just say, you know what? I will reach back out when I'm available. Right. And so you can give a little bit of explanation, whatever feels comfortable to you. doesn't have to be this like, nope, not going to do that, you know, kind of thing.

We're setting boundaries in those ways. And here's the thing, like some people will not understand it. Maybe family members won't get it because you've been stuck in a pattern of maybe dependency, or you've always been the person that says yes and does everything. And so when you start to pull back, it's going to feel really weird.

The literal, literally the system, your dynamic is shifting and people don't like that when they don't understand it. So just remember that it might feel a little bit bumpy for a while as you start to really learn how to set your boundaries and really tune into what kind of energy you need for the week, for the day.

And remember it's an ebb and flow. So, okay, let's talk about practical tips for setting boundaries. So now that we've talked about why they're so important, let's get into the how a little bit more. How do you actually start setting boundaries? And especially if it's something that you're not used to. So first and foremost, I usually say starting, start small and build confidence.

If the thought of saying no feels overwhelming, maybe it's as simple as declining an invitation to an event that you will leave you feeling drained. Or maybe it's setting a limit on how much time you spend responding to work emails after hours. As you start to see the benefits, like feeling less exhausted and more in control, you'll start to build the confidence to set bigger boundaries.

the way that I like to talk about people or help people really start to hone in on what they want, right? When we're talking about people pleasing and you're that person that always just goes along with someone else's opinion or choice, part of, I know it might sound like. Sound doesn't exactly sound like boundaries, but it is a way to really realize what you want and what your desires are is when someone says, where do you want to go eat?

Check in with yourself, actually make that choice, actually give a suggestion. Now, if you're someone who says, I actually really don't care. Like truly I'm flexible. I eat, whatever make yourself have a choice. Just do it. Doesn't have to be crazy. Doesn't have to be something specific. Doesn't have to be your favorite food.

Just choose something. See how that goes. Oftentimes, we've dismissed ourselves so much that we truly don't think we ever have an opinion. And while sometimes that might be true, maybe you are more go with the flowy. That's fine. But I guarantee you, you have more choice. You have more opinions than you're giving yourself credit for.

Okay. So that's starting small. That's building confidence with your choices and with saying no. Number two would be to communicate clearly and kindly. When you set a boundary, be clear and kind in your communication. You don't need to overexplain or justify your decision. A simple, I'm sorry, but I can't commit to that right now is enough.

And remember that your no is a complete sentence. If you want to give more and you want to give a little bit of an explanation, that's fine. Just don't give a novel. Or you don't need to give a novel. I guess I will say that. And it also probably depends on the person you're talking to, right? Probably depends on the type of communication you usually have, the type of dynamic or relationship.

you might say something very different at work than you might to a friend. Be clear, kind, and know that you are putting that out there and you're letting it go.

Number three is remember. Your health is your top priority. If something doesn't align with that, it's okay to say no. This might mean turning down a work project that's too demanding or setting limits on social engagements that leave you feeling exhausted. Your wellbeing comes first. If it's a friend's birthday party or a brunch or a week in a way that actually sounds really fun, You know, you may actually really want to go on that weekend away, but I urge you to check in with yourself.

1st, see how your energy levels are. See where your emotions are. What's your day to day right now? Where's your nervous system? If you're exhausted and you're feeling a little bit of resistance. Listen to that. It's better not to go than to wear out your immune system than to wear out your nervous system.

And if they are respectful and supposed to be in your life, they will respect it. They may not fully understand it, but they should be able to respect your decision.

I also want you to practice self compassion. Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable and especially if you're used to being a yes person. So remember that self compassion is key. It's okay to feel a little guilty or uneasy at first, or not really sure if you're doing it the right way or the wrong way.

By the way, there's not a right or wrong way. Acknowledge those feelings, feel the guilt, feel the resistance, feel the uncomfortableness. And give yourself a little compassion. Place your hand on your heart. Just don't let them dictate your actions over time. It will get easier and you'll start to see the positive impact. It can make when you start to give yourself compassion as you say, no.

Okay. How's this feeling so far? I hope that this is helpful and I hope that you're starting to see a little bit more of a clear path and how to really hone in and protect your energy. Cause the more that you do, the more that you can help yourself and the more that you can help others. So what happens when you start saying no, is that you begin to reclaim your energy, your time, your life.

You create space for rest, for self care, and for the things that truly nourish your soul. And in that space, healing can happen. And remember too, it will vary from time to time, from month to month, from year to year. I'm in a period right now in deep, deep need of rest. It's something I will talk more about.

but the things that I like consciously, my mind wants to go do my body is like,

my body is like, I don't think I can handle that. Even though like, My thoughts think it's going to be so fun and I've got to honor that. I'm learning. I'm learning y'all I'm learning to say no even to things that I truly Do want to do and they think would fill me up at a different time. So last year Yeah, totally would have filled me up would have felt really great would not have worn me out, but this year this month.

Yeah, it's gonna wear me out and I know that because You when I think about doing it. So for example, like a weekend away, when I think about doing that, it depends on the weekend. It sounds fun in theory, like seeing something new, being in the mountains, going to the beach, whatever it is, but everything around it and not sleeping in my own bed and having a different routine actually feels really draining to me right now, which is so y'all so different from me.

Like, I mean, Most of my, let's say young adult life has been spent traveling and going places and doing new things. And I just love seeing new places and cultures and experiences. But right now I am in a deep space of rest and I've got to honor that. So just remember from one time to another, it's going to look different.

And I've got to protect my energy right now so that. I can actually be here for the people I want to be here for. And I can be on this podcast and love doing this, you know? so just remember from time to time it changes. So I want to challenge you this week to say no to something that doesn't serve you.

It might feel uncomfortable at first, but I promise you it's worth it. Notice how it feels to protect your energy, to honor your limits, and to prioritize your wellbeing. You deserve that.

Okay. My friends, that's it for today's episode. I hope this conversation about the art of saying no and the power of boundaries has resonated with you. Remember your health and wellbeing are worth protecting. And sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to say no. If you found this episode helpful, please consider sharing it with someone who might need to hear this message.

And don't forget to leave a review. If you're enjoying the podcast, it helps more people find us and join our healing community. As always, you can connect with me on Instagram at heal with grace for more tips, inspiration, and support on your journey to wellness. Take care of yourself and remember healing happens when we honor our boundaries until next time.

Keep healing with grace.