Letting Go of Perfectionism

[00:00:00] Hey there and welcome to Heal with Grace. I'm your host Grace Secker
[00:00:04] and I'm a holistic licensed therapist and nervous system coach who believes that the chronic and often unseen symptoms
[00:00:10] you're living with are a sign of something deeper going on. A sign that your nervous system needs attention. In each episode
[00:00:17] I'll share the science behind the most common chronic health disorders plus holistic health tips using mental physical and spiritual practices.
[00:00:25] You'll hear what I've learned in my journey and the true stories from our trusted guests
[00:00:30] so you can feel less alone in your experience and give yourself grace no matter what you're going through.
[00:00:35] So without further ado, settle in and get cozy. It's time to Heal with Grace.
[00:00:41] Hey everyone and welcome back to the Heal with Grace podcast where we explore the deep connections between mind, body and healing.
[00:00:49] I'm your host Grace and today we're diving into a topic that hits close to home for so many of us, perfectionism.
[00:00:57] This is something that comes up so often and I've mentioned it in different podcasts at different times
[00:01:02] but I haven't had a full on episode around it
[00:01:06] and so I really want to dive deep and dig into it because again, this comes up so often and it's a tricky thing.
[00:01:12] Like on the surface, it might seem like a positive quality. After all,
[00:01:16] who doesn't want to do their best or set high standards for themselves? So we're taught
[00:01:21] but I'm gonna debunk that.
[00:01:24] The thing is that when perfectionism takes the wheel, it can drive us straight into stress, self-doubt and even chronic pain or illness
[00:01:31] because when we are operating from a place of needing to be perfect, then actually where we're operating from is the beliefs that we're not okay.
[00:01:39] We're not enough. We're not worthy. We're not deserving. We're not a great person and we're gonna dive all into that
[00:01:46] and I'm gonna teach you tips on how to work with it as well.
[00:01:49] So we're gonna talk about how perfectionism shows up.
[00:01:53] It doesn't always look like what we expect and you may not even recognize that you have a tendency of perfectionism
[00:02:00] because it's not just about striving to be right or to have every little detail on your page perfect.
[00:02:06] It's about how we think, how we behave, how we even structure our lives around an unrelenting need to feel enough.
[00:02:15] So for example, in everyday life, it might look like overthinking an email,
[00:02:19] rewriting it to do list a few times, 10 times, whatever, or spending hours agonizing over small details.
[00:02:26] It can show up in procrastinating too much. Think about it this way.
[00:02:30] If you are a procrastinator, it's often because we don't want to move forward
[00:02:35] because we're afraid we're not gonna get it right or we're not gonna get it perfect.
[00:02:38] So then we just procrastinate and don't do it.
[00:02:41] We don't know how to control it and get it perfectly.
[00:02:45] So we just either don't or we wait till the last minute.
[00:02:48] We're afraid of making mistakes and it can start to feel really overwhelming.
[00:02:52] I've mentioned this example before. I know I have in a previous podcast, but I'm gonna say it again.
[00:02:56] The time when I recognized that I had a perfectionistic tendency was in grad school and I was seeing a therapist and she pointed it out.
[00:03:05] She was like, do you tend to have perfectionistic tendencies?
[00:03:10] It kind of sounds like there's some perfectionism here and I was like, honestly, no, I really don't
[00:03:16] because I've never been able to get something right.
[00:03:20] I always get a grade right below an A, like an 89 before a 90 or I've always just been right there under the perfect mark.
[00:03:29] I can't just get it right. I can't get every detail and as I was saying this,
[00:03:34] all of a sudden I heard myself and in the light bulb moment went off and I was like,
[00:03:40] Oh, yeah, that is perfectionism.
[00:03:46] I can never feel I can get it right and ever since then I've seen it and I'm like, oh, all right, all right, all right, all right.
[00:03:53] I see, I see and it comes out in so many different ways.
[00:03:56] I feel like since then and that was, I don't know, 10 years ago, I have been just unraveling that and seeing where it shows up.
[00:04:04] So I'm going to give you some examples.
[00:04:05] So I hope that it strikes that awareness for you as well.
[00:04:08] It can come out and like the need to always be busy for many of us.
[00:04:13] Business becomes becomes a badge of honor.
[00:04:16] It's that constant pressure to stay productive, to always be doing.
[00:04:20] If you're not actively checking things off your to-do list, you might feel relentless,
[00:04:24] you might feel restless, guilty or even like you're failing.
[00:04:27] And again, like this is perpetuated by society, right?
[00:04:31] It's a badge of honor to be busy.
[00:04:33] Like, how's your week going?
[00:04:34] Oh, so busy.
[00:04:35] And then it's almost like a competition.
[00:04:37] Oh yeah, me too.
[00:04:38] I'm so busy too.
[00:04:40] If you start to recognize this, I really want you to start and shift that.
[00:04:43] See if you can say something other than you're busy.
[00:04:46] And not just to say it, but actually do it, you know, slow down your lives.
[00:04:51] That's another episode which I have.
[00:04:53] But it all comes into this, like need to be busy, need to be perfect,
[00:04:57] need to do X, Y and Z, do all things.
[00:05:00] We do this because our perfectionistic mind wants that productivity.
[00:05:04] It gets tied to self-worth.
[00:05:06] So if we're busy, it feels like we're proving our value in the world,
[00:05:10] our value as ourselves.
[00:05:12] But this cycle can leave us physically and emotionally drained.
[00:05:16] And yet, we keep going because slowing down feels uncomfortable.
[00:05:20] Man, I've been in this cycle.
[00:05:21] Like, I know I need to slow down.
[00:05:23] And then I recognize myself a week too later.
[00:05:25] I'm like, why am I so stressed out and busy?
[00:05:28] I wasn't conscious.
[00:05:29] It just happened.
[00:05:31] Well, it didn't just happen.
[00:05:32] Like I did make it happen.
[00:05:33] You know, I'm taking responsibility for that.
[00:05:35] But I'm saying it's not always something you're fully aware of
[00:05:38] if it's been your pattern forever.
[00:05:40] For example, maybe you finished work for the day,
[00:05:42] but instead of resting, you feel compelled to clean the house
[00:05:45] or answer emails or start a new project.
[00:05:47] You can't just be or sit down and zone out and watch TV
[00:05:51] because that's easier than just learning
[00:05:53] how to be with yourself.
[00:05:55] You always need to be doing.
[00:05:56] Over time, this constant busyness
[00:05:58] keeps your nervous system on a heightened state.
[00:06:01] It makes it harder for your body to heal or feel at ease.
[00:06:05] And I'm not gonna discount the fact that like, it's 2025.
[00:06:09] Lives are happening.
[00:06:11] You've got family, kids, friends, work.
[00:06:15] It takes up time.
[00:06:16] I get it.
[00:06:17] I totally get it.
[00:06:18] Yeah, I've been balancing that right now
[00:06:20] as I've moved into my new house
[00:06:21] and like just doing all the things to get it right.
[00:06:25] To get it perfect.
[00:06:26] I want every room to be perfect.
[00:06:28] That's just not possible.
[00:06:29] And man, like there's uncomfortability coming up.
[00:06:32] It's this fear that like,
[00:06:33] oh, I'm gonna be judged for the way my house looks.
[00:06:35] Or like, I'm not good enough
[00:06:37] because I can't get it all together.
[00:06:38] Blah, blah, I feel it.
[00:06:40] And I just put it out.
[00:06:42] Just like don't want that.
[00:06:44] But it is something I am constantly working with.
[00:06:46] And again, I get it.
[00:06:47] Like there are things we have to do.
[00:06:49] But I hope this helps you understand
[00:06:52] a little bit more of how it shows up
[00:06:54] so that then you can work with it.
[00:06:56] Another way that it comes up,
[00:06:57] well, I'm gonna say this.
[00:06:59] And I know every generation deals
[00:07:01] with perfectionism totally.
[00:07:03] But I'm gonna take a second
[00:07:04] to talk about millennials for a moment.
[00:07:07] Many of us grew up in a culture
[00:07:09] where we were constantly praised for our achievements.
[00:07:12] We're like the generation of the badge of honor
[00:07:16] for doing your best.
[00:07:17] For many of us, it wasn't just encouragement.
[00:07:20] It felt like an expectation.
[00:07:22] From school to sports to hobbies,
[00:07:24] we learned that our value came from excelling,
[00:07:26] from overachieving.
[00:07:28] And as we got older,
[00:07:29] this message didn't go away.
[00:07:31] It just followed us into adulthood.
[00:07:33] We live in a society that celebrates hustle culture
[00:07:36] where the pressure to succeed,
[00:07:38] stay busy and constantly level up is relentless.
[00:07:43] So what happens when you don't meet those expectations?
[00:07:47] Shame happens.
[00:07:48] Here's an example.
[00:07:49] You're working a full-time job,
[00:07:50] but you feel like you should also be taking
[00:07:52] extra courses, networking,
[00:07:53] or pursuing a side hustle.
[00:07:54] It's like such a thing right now.
[00:07:56] If you're not doing those things,
[00:07:57] that inner critic starts whispering,
[00:07:59] you're lazy, you're falling behind,
[00:08:01] everyone else is doing more.
[00:08:03] Look at their house.
[00:08:03] Look at their travel journey.
[00:08:05] Look at blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:08:07] And this cycle makes rest feel almost impossible
[00:08:11] because in the perfectionistic mindset,
[00:08:13] rest equals failure.
[00:08:15] And when you're finally allow yourself to slow down
[00:08:19] instead of feeling peace,
[00:08:21] you might feel shame or like you're less than.
[00:08:24] That shame spiral is a core feature of perfectionism
[00:08:28] and a core feature of procrastination, right?
[00:08:30] It's a cycle.
[00:08:31] So when you feel like you haven't done enough
[00:08:33] or worse, like you've failed at something,
[00:08:36] it's easy to fall into a spiral of self-criticism.
[00:08:38] Why didn't I try harder?
[00:08:39] I'm not good enough.
[00:08:41] Other people can handle this.
[00:08:42] Why can't I?
[00:08:43] That's a big one, right?
[00:08:44] Like we're looking over at someone else's life
[00:08:47] and we're looking at all the things that they're doing
[00:08:49] and then we feel shame that we can't match up
[00:08:51] or level up to that.
[00:08:52] And the result of that is that you're either
[00:08:54] push yourself even harder,
[00:08:56] doubling down on perfectionistic behavior,
[00:08:58] stressing out your nervous system,
[00:09:00] or you feel stuck and able to move forward
[00:09:01] because the fear of failing again is too overwhelming.
[00:09:04] And here's the thing with that too,
[00:09:05] like we are all different energies.
[00:09:08] We all have different purposes
[00:09:09] and values and energies in this life.
[00:09:11] My energy is very different than someone else's energy.
[00:09:13] It doesn't make it wrong or bad
[00:09:15] or one is better than the other.
[00:09:18] We're just different.
[00:09:19] We need the people in the world
[00:09:20] that can multitask and do all the things at once,
[00:09:23] but it comes from a true, aligned, authentic place
[00:09:26] in their mind and their bodies.
[00:09:27] It doesn't drain them.
[00:09:29] It is like their true spirit.
[00:09:31] And then we also need the people in life
[00:09:33] that have that like flow and slower living
[00:09:37] and way to look back in the world
[00:09:40] that kind of brings us into this like deeper place.
[00:09:43] And those people have a little bit of a slower life
[00:09:48] meaning that they don't take on all the things at once
[00:09:50] because that's just not what their nervous system can handle.
[00:09:53] There's all different kinds.
[00:09:54] And I highly recommend learning about your human design
[00:09:59] because this is so, so helpful.
[00:10:01] It's seriously changed my life.
[00:10:02] I have an episode with Charlotte Wright
[00:10:04] that talks about human design
[00:10:06] that I'm gonna link below.
[00:10:07] It's really helpful to just learn a little bit more
[00:10:10] about you, like your pace, your energy,
[00:10:12] what's true to you.
[00:10:13] When I read my chart, like my jaw dropped.
[00:10:16] It's the first thing
[00:10:17] and I've done all different kinds of personality tests
[00:10:19] and all those things and this is different.
[00:10:21] It's not personality.
[00:10:21] It's truly based on your birth date
[00:10:24] and where you were born and so it's your true sign.
[00:10:28] And I really was like, oh my gosh,
[00:10:31] someone is reading my soul.
[00:10:32] I feel so validated, so validated.
[00:10:36] So I'm not gonna explain that or get into it.
[00:10:38] That is not my specialty
[00:10:40] but I just highly recommend looking into it.
[00:10:42] And again, I'll link the resource below.
[00:10:44] The reason I say that
[00:10:45] is because everyone has different ways of being in the world
[00:10:49] and so I want you to stop looking at everyone else
[00:10:52] and start really aligning with your authentic energy,
[00:10:55] your authentic self.
[00:10:57] And you may not recognize what that is
[00:10:58] and that's totally fine.
[00:11:00] It's a journey, right?
[00:11:01] And I'll get into a little bit more
[00:11:02] on how to work with perfectionism
[00:11:05] but I'm gonna go into a few more examples.
[00:11:07] I got off on a bit of a tangent right there.
[00:11:09] Perfectionism also, actually this is a big one,
[00:11:13] it shows up in healing and our healing journey.
[00:11:16] So especially with chronic symptoms,
[00:11:18] research actually identifies that perfectionism
[00:11:21] is a very common trait among people with chronic symptoms
[00:11:24] and this is because perfectionism often comes
[00:11:27] with a need to control, a need for control.
[00:11:30] So when we feel overwhelmed by our symptoms,
[00:11:33] we might try to control every aspect of our environment
[00:11:35] or our behavior hoping it will help us feel safe, right?
[00:11:39] I mean, how could we not?
[00:11:40] Like we feel so out of control with our bodies,
[00:11:42] symptoms are flaring,
[00:11:44] like we don't know what's going on half the time.
[00:11:47] So yeah, you're gonna wanna control something in your life
[00:11:50] so you're gonna try and control whatever you can.
[00:11:52] Unfortunately, this can create even more tension
[00:11:55] and pressure in our nervous systems
[00:11:57] which keeps us in that stuck fight or flight mode.
[00:11:59] So example, like maybe you're dealing with chronic fatigue
[00:12:03] and you've been told to pace yourself
[00:12:05] but pacing feels hard
[00:12:07] because your inner perfectionism is saying
[00:12:09] if you rest too much, you're not trying hard enough,
[00:12:11] you're not good enough.
[00:12:13] So instead, maybe you start pushing yourself
[00:12:15] a little bit more or ignoring your limits
[00:12:17] or later you crash
[00:12:19] or you try to deal with healing perfectly
[00:12:22] and expect when you go through these practices,
[00:12:25] when you learn meditation or breath or journaling
[00:12:27] or you go into trauma that you're like,
[00:12:29] okay, I'm doing it.
[00:12:30] It should get rid of symptoms now, right?
[00:12:32] And instead, what we wanna instill in you
[00:12:34] is what's called outcome independence
[00:12:37] and I'm gonna talk a little bit more about this too
[00:12:39] because this is a way to work with perfectionism.
[00:12:42] It's when we start to expect something
[00:12:44] from the practice that we're doing,
[00:12:47] it dismisses the practice.
[00:12:48] So for instance, you're meditating
[00:12:50] and you're wanting to calm anxiety
[00:12:52] and you're sitting there, you're meditating,
[00:12:53] you're like, why isn't it calming my anxiety?
[00:12:55] I'm just doing it to get through it.
[00:12:56] I'm just doing it to calm the anxiety.
[00:12:58] That's not gonna help, right?
[00:12:59] You're just stressing yourself out more
[00:13:00] instead of just doing the meditation,
[00:13:03] just doing the breath practice to be in it.
[00:13:07] Being in the practice is the way out.
[00:13:10] I know it's a little paradoxical, right?
[00:13:11] But it's the thing of like,
[00:13:12] you have to go through the woods to get out of the woods.
[00:13:14] You can't go around it.
[00:13:16] You can't go over it.
[00:13:17] You can't chop it down.
[00:13:19] Like we have to move through it.
[00:13:21] We have to go through the maze.
[00:13:22] We have to like see the trees and the ground
[00:13:25] and feel the earth beneath our feet
[00:13:28] and watch the leaves and the sun
[00:13:30] come through the trees different ways
[00:13:32] to actually move through the forest.
[00:13:34] That's what being in your healing process
[00:13:38] in your journey is so much about.
[00:13:41] And that's what outcome independence is.
[00:13:44] We're just being in the practice
[00:13:46] without expecting anything from it.
[00:13:48] So when perfectionism takes a toll
[00:13:50] or yeah, when it drives everything,
[00:13:52] we're not in it.
[00:13:54] We're not in the forest.
[00:13:55] We are way far outside of it.
[00:13:57] We're looking on the other side
[00:13:59] as we're going through it.
[00:14:00] So we're not present.
[00:14:02] Yeah.
[00:14:03] The reason for this is because it feels like
[00:14:05] if we're not actively controlling
[00:14:06] every aspect of our healing,
[00:14:08] then we're failing at it, right?
[00:14:09] Or like then something's gonna happen
[00:14:11] if we're not controlling
[00:14:12] because we've probably had experiences like that in life
[00:14:15] where we tried to do something
[00:14:17] or we were shamed
[00:14:18] or we were controlled in a certain way
[00:14:20] or maybe you grew up in a household
[00:14:21] where everything had to be a certain way
[00:14:24] or you had to get it right, right?
[00:14:26] Or there was no like space for your opinion.
[00:14:28] So you're gonna learn that you have to control
[00:14:31] to actually feel okay
[00:14:32] because you were never allowed to have the space to just be.
[00:14:36] Like be yourself and it be allowed
[00:14:38] and it be safe and it be joyful.
[00:14:40] So at its core,
[00:14:42] perfectionism is often rooted in a deep belief
[00:14:45] that we're not enough as we are.
[00:14:47] Kind of like I've mentioned throughout this,
[00:14:48] but I want you to really like grasp this, right?
[00:14:51] Because it's not just the behavior.
[00:14:53] It's not just the thought.
[00:14:55] It's not just the fact
[00:14:56] that you think that you can't just get it right
[00:14:57] or you can't get that perfect grade
[00:14:59] or the perfect project done.
[00:15:01] That's just the symptom.
[00:15:03] The root cause of perfectionism,
[00:15:05] of those symptoms, of those actions
[00:15:07] is this deep belief that you are not enough,
[00:15:10] that you're not getting it right,
[00:15:11] you're not worthy, you're not deserving.
[00:15:13] And this belief can develop very early in life,
[00:15:16] especially if we grew up in environments
[00:15:18] where love or approval felt conditional,
[00:15:22] like we had to perform well, behave perfectly
[00:15:25] or meet high expectations to be accepted.
[00:15:29] Over time, this belief can become internalized,
[00:15:32] shaping how we see ourselves and the world.
[00:15:36] And it's like we're carrying around
[00:15:38] an invisible rulebook that says
[00:15:40] you have to be perfect to be safe.
[00:15:41] These beliefs are what you do
[00:15:44] to work through the perfection of them.
[00:15:46] And let me explain that a little bit more.
[00:15:47] Yes, you can kind of recognize the patterns
[00:15:49] in the thought process
[00:15:50] and work on getting out of those,
[00:15:52] but the root cause, that deeper belief
[00:15:56] that your inner child is really living out,
[00:15:59] that's what we wanna work with,
[00:16:00] that's what we want to really remind
[00:16:03] that inner child of yours that it's okay,
[00:16:06] that you know what, you don't have to be perfect
[00:16:08] because no one's perfect
[00:16:09] and also you don't have to be in control
[00:16:11] because you're completely safe.
[00:16:13] Perfectionism is not who you are,
[00:16:16] it's just a learned pattern.
[00:16:19] It's a protective mechanism
[00:16:20] that your mind developed to help you cope.
[00:16:22] It's a way for your nervous system to say,
[00:16:25] I love you so I'm gonna help you be safe
[00:16:27] and it's a pattern to be able to help you feel safe.
[00:16:31] But the good news is that patterns can change.
[00:16:34] That's exactly what neuroplasticity is.
[00:16:36] Like we can literally change our brain,
[00:16:39] our patterns in our brain,
[00:16:41] patterns in our nervous system.
[00:16:42] We can learn safety
[00:16:44] in like truly in the core of our being,
[00:16:48] knowing how to just be in a safe space.
[00:16:53] That is what helps us move away
[00:16:56] from this need to be in control
[00:16:58] because when we feel good enough,
[00:17:00] when we feel worthy of just being who we are,
[00:17:04] we don't have to have our worth
[00:17:06] tied to all these external things.
[00:17:09] So when we learn to work with perfectionism,
[00:17:12] the first step is awareness, right?
[00:17:14] Where does it show up?
[00:17:15] How does it show up?
[00:17:17] If you don't like the word perfectionism,
[00:17:18] can you just notice what it feels like in your body
[00:17:21] to feel like you need to be in control?
[00:17:23] Where do you feel like you need control?
[00:17:25] Is it around tasks and day to day things in your house,
[00:17:30] the way you load the dishwasher,
[00:17:31] the way that your house is cleaned,
[00:17:33] the way that you put together an outfit,
[00:17:36] do you take a really long time to do so
[00:17:38] because you feel like it needs to look really, really good?
[00:17:41] And I'll say this,
[00:17:42] to the point that it's stressing you out
[00:17:44] and taking time out of your day, right?
[00:17:46] So there's this notion
[00:17:49] any kind of diagnosis or treatment,
[00:17:51] mental health specifically,
[00:17:53] where you might meet criteria for something,
[00:17:57] but if it's not impairing your life,
[00:17:59] then we don't need to give it a label if you will.
[00:18:03] If it is impairing you in some sort of way,
[00:18:05] and if you're listening to this,
[00:18:08] I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it probably is.
[00:18:12] But basically, I guess I'm saying this
[00:18:14] because I don't want you to get fearful now
[00:18:17] that like, oh my gosh,
[00:18:18] I'm always in my perfectionism mode.
[00:18:19] I need to figure it out, right?
[00:18:20] That's another mechanism of control.
[00:18:22] We need to really stop.
[00:18:23] So I'm calling you out.
[00:18:24] If you're sitting here being like, oh my gosh,
[00:18:26] where is this showing up?
[00:18:27] I need to write it all down and get it all perfect
[00:18:28] and like control the control, right?
[00:18:32] But no, what we wanna do is help you let go
[00:18:34] of that need to control
[00:18:36] and be a little bit more okay with feeling uncomfortable.
[00:18:39] That's what it's gonna feel like at first
[00:18:41] because perfectionism is a mechanism
[00:18:44] to control being uncomfortable.
[00:18:46] We're uncomfortable because we don't feel worthy
[00:18:48] or good enough.
[00:18:49] See where I'm going with that?
[00:18:50] Does that make sense?
[00:18:51] When our core beliefs, the core of who we are,
[00:18:53] doesn't feel like we are good enough
[00:18:55] to show up in the world just as we are,
[00:18:58] that's uncomfortable, truly, right?
[00:19:00] Like that hurts.
[00:19:01] That's painful, that's shameful,
[00:19:02] that feels, that makes us feel guilty.
[00:19:04] So the way that we manage that guilt and shame
[00:19:07] is ways to control how we look in the world,
[00:19:11] how people perceive us,
[00:19:13] like how we get something right or not right
[00:19:15] and how we present ourselves to the world.
[00:19:17] So let's talk about how to work with perfectionism.
[00:19:20] I mentioned earlier, outcome independence,
[00:19:23] but I'm gonna go over it a little bit more
[00:19:25] because it's kind of setting the tone
[00:19:27] for how we work with it overall.
[00:19:29] So again, outcome independence is the practice
[00:19:32] of detaching from the need for a specific result,
[00:19:35] particularly the immediate reduction
[00:19:37] or elimination of symptoms,
[00:19:39] meaning like we shift your focus away
[00:19:41] from constantly monitoring symptoms
[00:19:44] and measuring your progress
[00:19:45] and instead cultivate an attitude of trust,
[00:19:49] curiosity, acceptance towards your healing journey, right?
[00:19:52] We wanna be in the woods.
[00:19:54] We wanna notice everything around us
[00:19:57] and drink it in and breathe that fresh air in
[00:20:00] as you're moving through the journey
[00:20:03] of getting out of those woods
[00:20:05] and finding your way through.
[00:20:07] The thing is that when we become overly focused
[00:20:09] on eliminating our symptoms
[00:20:12] or like managing whatever we're managing,
[00:20:14] we inadvertently reinforce the brain's fear
[00:20:17] and hypervigilance around those sensations
[00:20:21] when we feel the need to be perfect in our healing.
[00:20:23] So the fear keeps the nervous system in a heightened state.
[00:20:26] So when we can lean into outcome independence,
[00:20:29] really being present, it breaks this cycle
[00:20:33] by teaching the brain that presence
[00:20:35] or absence of pain is not dangerous
[00:20:39] and does not define our wellbeing.
[00:20:41] So by focusing on the process
[00:20:43] of engaging in meaningful activities,
[00:20:47] the brain begins to rewire itself towards safety and calm.
[00:20:52] That's key.
[00:20:53] I'm gonna say that again.
[00:20:54] When you can be in the present,
[00:20:56] even if it's a little uncomfortable,
[00:20:58] but if you can be with yourself in the present moment
[00:21:02] without the need to control or do something,
[00:21:05] the brain begins to shift
[00:21:08] into this place of safety and calm
[00:21:10] because you're teaching it that,
[00:21:11] oh, I'm okay to be just as I am.
[00:21:16] It's safe to do that.
[00:21:18] So the more you do that,
[00:21:20] the more you take in these little moments,
[00:21:21] you drink in the little moments of being okay,
[00:21:24] just breathing, being okay,
[00:21:26] just like hanging out on the couch
[00:21:28] with your to-do list over on the counter.
[00:21:31] And that is safe and okay.
[00:21:34] The more that your nervous system settles
[00:21:37] and it's not on this like hypervigilant state
[00:21:40] of like, what do I need to do?
[00:21:41] How am I gonna get it right?
[00:21:42] How am I gonna get it wrong?
[00:21:43] So the way to do this is helping shift to your,
[00:21:46] first of all, shifting your mindset.
[00:21:47] So instead of constantly scanning
[00:21:50] and for instance, checking your symptoms,
[00:21:53] checking if they're better or worse,
[00:21:55] remind yourself that healing takes time
[00:21:57] and progress is not always linear.
[00:22:00] So a good example of this is like,
[00:22:03] you're working on shoulder pain
[00:22:05] or maybe you're working on your bladder or pelvic pain
[00:22:09] and you're constantly checking.
[00:22:11] Is it in pain?
[00:22:12] Is it not?
[00:22:13] Is it in pain?
[00:22:13] Is it not?
[00:22:14] Is this what I'm doing, making it painful?
[00:22:15] Do I have to go to the bathroom?
[00:22:16] Do I not?
[00:22:17] Do I have to go to the bathroom?
[00:22:18] Do I feel pain?
[00:22:19] Like you're always checking.
[00:22:21] You're always body checking.
[00:22:22] It's just creating that constant state of stress.
[00:22:25] So if you can learn to be with,
[00:22:28] if you do feel a little pain,
[00:22:29] if you do feel sensation, be with it,
[00:22:31] drink it in, breathe it in and remind yourself
[00:22:36] you are making progress.
[00:22:37] You have to trust that this is a process
[00:22:39] and lean into the place of feeling safe.
[00:22:41] I also want you to celebrate your process.
[00:22:45] Focus on steps that you're taking,
[00:22:47] like self-compassion, challenging fear-based thoughts
[00:22:52] and engaging and enjoyable activities,
[00:22:54] even if pain is still present.
[00:22:56] The way that we want your brain to orient
[00:22:59] towards the present is just being in it.
[00:23:01] Like the more you give yourself self-compassion,
[00:23:05] the more you release fear
[00:23:07] and invite in flexibility and grace,
[00:23:10] the more your brain's gonna look for that.
[00:23:11] But if we're constantly looking for what's wrong,
[00:23:14] our brain always wants to look for that.
[00:23:16] And it's actually primed to do so.
[00:23:18] It wants to look for what's wrong to protect you,
[00:23:21] but we wanna tell it, it's okay.
[00:23:22] We don't have to always look for what's wrong.
[00:23:24] And even if something does happen,
[00:23:26] say you don't get it right,
[00:23:28] or you failed, or you sent an email
[00:23:31] and it was wrong, or something was in it,
[00:23:33] or whatever that shouldn't have been in it,
[00:23:35] and you feel that tinge of like,
[00:23:37] that tinge of shame that just pops up in your stomach
[00:23:40] or in your chest, and you feel so guilty
[00:23:42] and you're roommateing like,
[00:23:43] oh my gosh, how are they gonna feel about me?
[00:23:45] What are they thinking about me?
[00:23:46] Like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:23:47] That's where you place your hand on your heart
[00:23:49] and you breathe in.
[00:23:52] And you say, my actions do not define me.
[00:23:55] I am okay and I am safe.
[00:23:57] I give myself compassion because I am not perfect.
[00:23:59] I am okay.
[00:24:01] And maybe you address it whatever the situation is,
[00:24:05] maybe you're just honest and say,
[00:24:06] you know what, I am so sorry.
[00:24:07] I did not check that.
[00:24:08] And here is the email that should have been sent.
[00:24:12] Now that's just an example, right?
[00:24:13] But I know that it happens, right?
[00:24:15] It happens.
[00:24:16] We wanna catch the reaction to our failure
[00:24:20] or you wanna catch that shame, yeah?
[00:24:23] I mentioned self-compassion
[00:24:26] and I will constantly keep bringing this up, y'all,
[00:24:29] the time because it's the biggest antidote to this work.
[00:24:35] Meaning, like it's the biggest antidote to shame,
[00:24:38] to control, to perfectionism,
[00:24:41] because if we at our core don't feel good enough,
[00:24:44] if we don't feel like we're worthy,
[00:24:45] then we have no self-compassion.
[00:24:47] But if we bring in our self-compassion
[00:24:50] and saying things like,
[00:24:51] I'm doing the best that I can and that's enough,
[00:24:53] like truly knowing that that is enough,
[00:24:56] you don't fully believe it in that moment,
[00:24:57] that's okay, you work towards it.
[00:24:59] But self-compassion helps quiet the perfectionistic voice
[00:25:02] and creates space for growth.
[00:25:04] Okay, another way to work with perfectionism
[00:25:07] is challenging black and white thinking.
[00:25:10] Perfectionism often makes us see things in extremes.
[00:25:14] It's either perfect or a failure.
[00:25:16] It's either right or it's wrong.
[00:25:18] It's good or it's bad.
[00:25:21] But life happens in the gray areas.
[00:25:23] When you catch yourself thinking this way,
[00:25:25] ask what's the middle ground here?
[00:25:28] Okay, what is this gray area?
[00:25:29] How can we come to a balance?
[00:25:31] Because more often than not,
[00:25:33] it is not this way or this way.
[00:25:35] It is not right or wrong, good or bad.
[00:25:37] It is what it is.
[00:25:39] So how can you bring yourself back to the middle
[00:25:41] instead of thinking black or white?
[00:25:44] The same with like all or nothing.
[00:25:46] It's not about doing everything perfectly or nothing at all.
[00:25:49] It's about listening to our bodies
[00:25:51] and making small, sustainable changes.
[00:25:54] Progress, not perfectionism is what matters, right?
[00:25:57] So either you're doing all your practices in one day
[00:26:00] or it's you failed that day,
[00:26:02] so what's the point?
[00:26:02] I'm not gonna do anything.
[00:26:04] Nope, that's not what we're doing here.
[00:26:06] We are so not doing that.
[00:26:08] We are taking it one step at a time
[00:26:11] and bringing in balance.
[00:26:12] Say you wake up late
[00:26:14] and you don't get to do your meditation
[00:26:15] or your breath work
[00:26:16] or whatever your Vegas nerve practices.
[00:26:18] That's okay.
[00:26:19] That doesn't mean the day is over.
[00:26:21] You still have all day.
[00:26:22] Maybe it's not in your perfect routine,
[00:26:24] but it doesn't have to be perfect.
[00:26:26] You're gonna meet yourself where you are.
[00:26:27] You cannot expect yourself to be somewhere
[00:26:30] that you're not today.
[00:26:32] You're working towards that, but you're not there.
[00:26:34] And the healing journey
[00:26:35] is not about bringing more perfectionism into our life.
[00:26:38] It's about letting go of it.
[00:26:41] So that brings me to cultivating flexibility.
[00:26:44] Yeah, that's a big one.
[00:26:45] So we're letting go of the rigid rules,
[00:26:48] whether it's around food, routine,
[00:26:50] how you spend your day,
[00:26:52] allowing yourself more freedom
[00:26:53] can release the pressure to control everything.
[00:26:58] I think I say bring in flexibility a lot.
[00:27:00] And I'm not sure I really explain it,
[00:27:02] but my example of the day is such a great example.
[00:27:06] Like you didn't have time to do
[00:27:08] what you thought you were gonna do in the morning.
[00:27:10] Well, let's be a little more flexible.
[00:27:12] Where can you implement that in your day?
[00:27:13] Because you're giving yourself priority.
[00:27:17] Now, I understand you have lots of priorities in your life,
[00:27:20] but this has to be a big one,
[00:27:23] especially when you're healing chronic pain and illness.
[00:27:26] Like learning this work has to be a high priority.
[00:27:29] So you create flexibility in your day
[00:27:31] to be able to implement the things
[00:27:33] when they don't go as well as you thought they would
[00:27:35] or that you couldn't get them done the first time.
[00:27:37] We also, oh, we also need support.
[00:27:40] We need so much support
[00:27:42] because we can't always see these things, right?
[00:27:44] Like we cannot always see our blind spots.
[00:27:47] We can't always see how we're doing.
[00:27:49] We cannot see how our perfectionism comes out.
[00:27:53] It can feel overwhelming.
[00:27:55] I definitely don't see it all.
[00:27:56] Man, there's so many times where I'm like,
[00:27:58] oh, I was really in my rigid mind.
[00:28:01] Didn't see that until it was pointed out to me, you know?
[00:28:04] Cause we can't.
[00:28:05] Like I talk to you and teach you these things,
[00:28:07] but I can't see it all about myself.
[00:28:09] So I get help and support.
[00:28:10] If you do want that support,
[00:28:11] I highly recommend reaching out to myself and Leana.
[00:28:15] And we are opening up individual coaching packages
[00:28:19] for this year.
[00:28:20] Actually, we're opening up quite a few spaces
[00:28:22] because we just love working one-on-one with people
[00:28:25] because we can really get in there
[00:28:26] and personalize this work to you, right?
[00:28:28] So it's not a three-step process that everyone follows.
[00:28:33] There's a lot of guidance and tools and skills
[00:28:35] that we can teach you, but also like you're specific.
[00:28:39] Your core beliefs are different than someone else's.
[00:28:41] Your mechanisms, your behaviors,
[00:28:43] your thoughts are different than someone else's.
[00:28:45] And so when you get that individualized support,
[00:28:47] it's so, oh my gosh, I can't even tell you.
[00:28:50] Like I would not be here today
[00:28:51] if it weren't for my therapists, mentors,
[00:28:53] coaches that I've had along the way.
[00:28:55] And that's why I love, love, love doing this work as well
[00:28:58] and helping you see your progress.
[00:29:00] So if you are open and you're willing
[00:29:02] and you're wanting that guidance,
[00:29:04] see the link below to apply to work with us.
[00:29:07] It's just a few questions on our website
[00:29:09] and we'll reach out to you that day.
[00:29:11] Last but not least,
[00:29:14] we are going to remember that imperfection
[00:29:17] is what makes us human.
[00:29:18] I'm saying that again.
[00:29:19] Imperfection makes us human.
[00:29:22] When you embrace your flaws and imperfections,
[00:29:25] you create more connection,
[00:29:27] more authenticity and more joy.
[00:29:30] When you recognize what you might initially think
[00:29:34] are flaws or things that you're not doing well
[00:29:38] or not doing right,
[00:29:39] you actually tune in and allow your authentic,
[00:29:43] true, connected, joyful self to come out
[00:29:46] and you learn to actually create space for those things
[00:29:50] that you might not have really liked at first.
[00:29:52] Different parts of you that you shamed
[00:29:54] or felt guilty about.
[00:29:55] And you learn to bring it out and be okay with them.
[00:29:58] And when you do this,
[00:30:00] it's like so sweet to be able to see
[00:30:04] how you can learn to love yourself a little bit more.
[00:30:06] That's the ultimate nervous system regulation.
[00:30:10] That's the core, learning to love yourself.
[00:30:13] And when we can get our perfectionism out of the way,
[00:30:17] we start to do that.
[00:30:18] Before we wrap up,
[00:30:20] let's take a moment for a quick reflection exercise.
[00:30:23] So if it is safe to do so,
[00:30:26] if you are not driving or walking,
[00:30:28] actually you can do this walking,
[00:30:29] just don't close your eyes.
[00:30:31] Take a moment and take a deep breath
[00:30:36] and just start to settle in to your body,
[00:30:40] breathing in through your nose,
[00:30:43] and out through your mouth,
[00:30:47] releasing your shoulders away from your ears,
[00:30:51] drop any holdings that you might have
[00:30:54] in your hips or your back.
[00:30:57] And I want you to bring to mind an area of your life
[00:31:01] where you feel this rigidness,
[00:31:05] this perfectionism, this controlled need
[00:31:09] that might be showing up.
[00:31:11] Maybe it's your work, relationships,
[00:31:15] healing journey, your health.
[00:31:18] Just bring to mind where it might be showing up.
[00:31:21] Maybe you think of an example that you've had recently
[00:31:26] or there's just a knowing that you're like,
[00:31:27] yeah, that's where that is.
[00:31:29] That's what that feeling is, that behavior.
[00:31:33] And I want you to ask yourself,
[00:31:35] what would it feel like to let go of the need
[00:31:38] to be perfect here?
[00:31:41] What happens when I ask you that?
[00:31:43] What happens to your body?
[00:31:44] What do you feel?
[00:31:46] What do you think?
[00:31:47] Is there an automatic, I don't even know what to do?
[00:31:50] How to do that?
[00:31:52] Does it feel like, ah, like a release?
[00:31:57] Or maybe your mind takes over and it's thinking,
[00:31:59] like, but that's not possible
[00:32:01] because I have X, Y, and Z
[00:32:02] and all these things that I have to take care of.
[00:32:03] Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:32:05] Just notice, there's no right or wrong here.
[00:32:08] Just notice what it feels like
[00:32:09] when you're even asked that question.
[00:32:11] What would it feel like to let go
[00:32:14] of the need to be perfect here?
[00:32:17] If this feels a little sticky or hard to do,
[00:32:20] I want you to see if you can go back
[00:32:22] to an earlier memory where you felt the same way.
[00:32:26] Why was it hard to let go of control?
[00:32:29] What was going on around you?
[00:32:31] What were the people like around you?
[00:32:33] What was your environment like?
[00:32:35] What was being expected of you?
[00:32:38] Where did you learn this?
[00:32:40] Maybe think of an exact memory
[00:32:42] or just kind of the feel
[00:32:44] or the environment that you were in.
[00:32:49] Just notice, just notice what comes up.
[00:32:54] Don't worry if your mind tends to wander
[00:32:56] and you can't think of anything.
[00:32:57] So totally okay too.
[00:32:59] You're just starting.
[00:33:01] This is your first time doing this, maybe.
[00:33:03] Just keep coming back to the breath in the present moment.
[00:33:07] What did you notice when you were younger?
[00:33:10] Where did you learn these tendencies
[00:33:12] or these expectations?
[00:33:15] And why does it feel like
[00:33:17] you have to have so much control
[00:33:19] over this area of your life?
[00:33:21] What would happen if you didn't?
[00:33:23] Whatever's coming up, just let it be.
[00:33:26] Breathe and maybe you place a hand over your heart
[00:33:28] to send that younger part some self-compassion.
[00:33:31] Sending compassion and love to that part
[00:33:35] that for some reason had to really feel
[00:33:37] like has a lot of control, needed to take control.
[00:33:42] Just notice what's coming up
[00:33:45] and let whatever's there be there.
[00:33:48] If there's feelings, just breathe.
[00:33:52] If there's thoughts, just notice what they are.
[00:33:58] If you keep going out and you're not tuning in, that's okay.
[00:34:02] Just come back to the sound of my voice and start breathing.
[00:34:07] What did that younger part need?
[00:34:10] Did they need to feel safe in an area?
[00:34:14] They need to know that it's okay not to be in control,
[00:34:18] that it's okay to have flexibility.
[00:34:21] Did they need some love, compassion?
[00:34:24] Did they need it to be okay to feel their emotions?
[00:34:29] Maybe they just needed some kindness.
[00:34:32] Whatever it is, just notice here
[00:34:36] and send that part, that younger part of you,
[00:34:39] some love, some kindness, some grace,
[00:34:42] some compassion, flexibility, whatever it is,
[00:34:47] let them know that you're here for them
[00:34:51] and they don't have to hold all this techness and control,
[00:34:55] that they are worthy, they are loved,
[00:34:59] that they are enough just as they are.
[00:35:03] Just be here for a little bit longer
[00:35:09] and I want you to see if you can recognize
[00:35:13] one small, imperfect step that you can take today
[00:35:19] to move forward with kindness and ease
[00:35:21] in this area of your life.
[00:35:24] What can you do?
[00:35:26] What can you give yourself today in this present day
[00:35:30] and this year that that perfectionist excite
[00:35:36] that part of you needs?
[00:35:39] And what's a step you can do?
[00:35:42] Take a few breaths here and through your nose,
[00:35:44] out through your mouth, let that intention settle in.
[00:35:55] Let the intention settle in.
[00:35:59] And whenever you're ready, you can come back,
[00:36:02] continue what you're doing
[00:36:05] and I want you to save this
[00:36:08] so that you can come back to it and do it again,
[00:36:10] especially if you weren't able to really go in
[00:36:13] and close your eyes.
[00:36:15] Okay.
[00:36:17] Thank you so much for joining me today
[00:36:20] on another Heal with Grace episode reminder
[00:36:23] that if you want support on your journey,
[00:36:25] someone to really see you and hold space for you
[00:36:28] and help you along the way, we are here.
[00:36:32] We have availability.
[00:36:34] So find the link below to apply to work with us.
[00:36:39] It's just a few short questions
[00:36:40] and we'll get back to you within 24 hours,
[00:36:42] usually same day.
[00:36:44] And until next time, take care, be kind to yourself
[00:36:49] and remember that healing happens
[00:36:51] in the space of grace and not perfection.
[00:36:54] If this podcast means something to you,
[00:36:56] it would mean so much to me
[00:36:57] if you could do these couple things.
[00:36:59] One, go to the Heal with Grace show page
[00:37:01] wherever you listen and tap the plus sign
[00:37:04] or click on the follow button
[00:37:05] so you don't miss an episode.
[00:37:07] It helps both of us out.
[00:37:08] While you're there, if you could give a five star review
[00:37:11] so that this podcast can reach more people,
[00:37:14] it would mean so much to me
[00:37:16] so I can continue sharing episodes
[00:37:17] that help you as well as others.
[00:37:20] Thanks for listening
[00:37:21] and I hope this brings you hope on your journey.