4 Mistakes You’re Making in Regulating Your Nervous System

[00:00:00] Hey friend, it's Grace. I know you're tired of feeling like managing your physical and mental health is just one big moving target
[00:00:06] I also know that you've spent years of your life and hundreds of dollars on doctor's visits, juice cleanses,
[00:00:11] fad diets, and fancy supplements only to feel like nothing about your chronic symptoms has changed.
[00:00:17] If this sounds like you, consider this your invitation to find a holistic health protocol that works for you and your body
[00:00:23] even if you have chronic symptoms, unhealed trauma, or a dysregulated nervous system.
[00:00:27] That's exactly what's waiting for you inside the mind-body healing method.
[00:00:31] My 12-week group program that's designed to help you say body or chronic symptoms through learning how to regulate your nervous system,
[00:00:38] retrain your brain, and heal unresolved trauma.
[00:00:41] Our clients have found relief from even the most chronic of symptoms including fibromyalgia,
[00:00:46] sciatica, migraines, gut issues, and other uncomfortable symptoms without pills or a long list of rituals and regimens.
[00:00:52] If you'd like to learn more about our program, head over to the show notes and learn more.
[00:00:57] Because the truth is that there is a protocol that works for you, you just might not have found the right balance for your body yet.
[00:01:04] Now, let's get back to the episode.
[00:01:06] Hey there, and welcome to Heal with Grace.
[00:01:10] I'm your host, Grace Secker, and I'm a holistic, licensed therapist and nervous system coach who believes that the chronic and often
[00:01:17] unseen symptoms you're living with are a sign of something deeper going on. A sign that your nervous system needs attention.
[00:01:23] In each episode, I'll share the science behind the most common chronic health disorders
[00:01:28] plus holistic health tips using mental, physical, and spiritual practices.
[00:01:33] You'll hear what I've learned in my journey and the true stories from our trusted guests so you can feel less alone in your
[00:01:39] experience and give yourself grace no matter what you're going through.
[00:01:42] So without further ado, settle in and get cozy. It's time to heal with grace.
[00:01:49] Hello and welcome.
[00:01:51] Today, I'm going to be talking about the four mistakes that you're probably making in learning how to regulate your nervous system.
[00:01:57] These are things that I talk to people about all the time that are very common, and I'm not here to say, you're doing X, Y, and Z wrong.
[00:02:05] Stop doing it. I'm just hoping that this can be
[00:02:09] information to help you further your journey of
[00:02:12] regulating your nervous system and really connecting to yourself.
[00:02:15] So let's jump right in. Number one, you think that you need to do more
[00:02:21] so that you'll get better, meaning that you're doing everything you think you need to be doing under the sun.
[00:02:26] So you're taking all those supplements, eliminating all the toxic
[00:02:32] environmental stressors in your life, meaning laundry detergents, food,
[00:02:37] different things in your clothing, dyes, harsh chemicals, your learning somatic practices, you're going to therapy,
[00:02:43] you're getting tested for mold, you're going on the rabbit hole of all these different modalities, and that's a lot.
[00:02:51] It's really stressful to completely
[00:02:55] transform your life overnight, and
[00:02:58] obviously, no one can really do that overnight, but you get what I'm saying.
[00:03:03] Instead, actually what your nervous system needs is to make small changes over time and
[00:03:10] to really slow down in order to do that.
[00:03:13] And I talked about slowing down on my last episode, episode four, so if you haven't listened to that, I highly suggest going back to listening.
[00:03:21] As I mentioned,
[00:03:23] your nervous system has been stressed way longer than you probably recognize,
[00:03:29] and usually it's been stressed because there's too much information coming into your mind, into your body, to your life that's causing harm.
[00:03:36] And I don't say that as a way to scare you, just that
[00:03:43] your body's been overwhelmed.
[00:03:44] So when someone's overwhelmed because there's a million different balls, you know, juggling in the air,
[00:03:49] we have to peel that back. We have to peel back the layers and really start small. So this might look like
[00:03:56] really getting clear if you're going to doctors or practitioners, who are the most important? Pick one or two
[00:04:03] primary people that you trust, you feel good with, you think you're making progress with, and
[00:04:09] stick to them. Don't look for anyone else. Don't switch in the middle of your treatment with them.
[00:04:14] Stick with them.
[00:04:16] Really make a good effort to stick with them throughout treatment.
[00:04:20] I myself, and I've talked to many other people who have
[00:04:24] worked with someone for a few months, not really seeing any change.
[00:04:27] They're going to change someone else, and by the time they come to me, they've seen, you know,
[00:04:32] five, six different practitioners in six months, or a year or something like that, and it's a lot. And I totally understand it.
[00:04:39] Believe me, I get it. If you're not saying progress, why would you stick with someone?
[00:04:44] The reason I'm saying this is because this work takes time, and it really takes time to build that trust with someone.
[00:04:51] Now, I say that if the practitioner is functionally minded, and they have an open mindset,
[00:04:57] meaning they're not just putting you on one protocol, and that's the protocol they put on everyone,
[00:05:02] that's not going to help. They need to look at you, your specific signals, your specific
[00:05:08] illnesses, and what makes your body stressed out.
[00:05:12] So if you find someone,
[00:05:14] that can help you in that and sees you for you, that's really important.
[00:05:20] Now, in terms of the nervous system regulation, meaning mind and body practices, which is probably why you're listening to this podcast,
[00:05:27] start with things that you can grasp.
[00:05:31] So that might mean learning how to regulate your nervous system through the biggest nerve.
[00:05:38] Biggest nerve activities can be really small, short, and accessible.
[00:05:43] I have some videos on my Instagram page. You can Google biggest nerve activation, but just learn about it. It's something small you can do.
[00:05:51] Becoming mindful is another small thing that you can do. Mindfulness in this
[00:05:57] journey is really, really huge because the whole point of becoming mindful is
[00:06:02] slowing down and becoming aware of your specific signals of your nervous system.
[00:06:07] So for instance, my
[00:06:09] signals when I'm in a shutdown place in my nervous system,
[00:06:14] when I'm really stressed out, is that I get some brain fog. I
[00:06:19] get overwhelmed. I have kind of like a hopeless mindset, like nothing's ever gonna change.
[00:06:24] This is never going to get better, which is also an all or nothing mindset, right? Using the words like always, never,
[00:06:31] should, should never do this, shouldn't have done that.
[00:06:35] Those types of, that type of language is the signal to myself,
[00:06:38] ooh, I'm edging towards this shutdown.
[00:06:41] And so when I learn about that, when I understand my specific signals, then when I recognize it,
[00:06:46] I don't give so much weight and power to it.
[00:06:49] So the more awareness you have about your signals, the more that you can actually
[00:06:56] learn how to help yourself. That's the biggest and most important nervous system regulation tool
[00:07:01] I can teach anyone. And it's what I teach in my, my body method program as well, and I'll link the information below is here.
[00:07:08] I also have a free nervous system regulation
[00:07:12] workbook and audio training that I'll link below as well, but that's not the point of the podcast.
[00:07:17] I just thought that might be helpful.
[00:07:19] So again,
[00:07:20] thinking
[00:07:21] smaller, thinking
[00:07:24] sustainable actions over time.
[00:07:26] Hey friend, it's Grace. I know you're tired of feeling like managing your physical and mental health
[00:07:31] is just one big moving target.
[00:07:32] I also know that you've spent years of your life and hundreds of dollars on doctor's visits, juice cleanses,
[00:07:37] fad diets, and fancy supplements only to feel like nothing about your chronic symptoms has changed.
[00:07:43] If this sounds like you, consider this your invitation to find a holistic health protocol that works for you and your body.
[00:07:49] Even if you have chronic symptoms, unhealed trauma, or a dysregulated nervous system.
[00:07:54] That's exactly what's waiting for you inside the mind-body healing method. My 12 week group program
[00:07:59] that's designed to help you say body or chronic symptoms through learning how to regulate your nervous system,
[00:08:04] retrain your brain, and heal unresolved trauma.
[00:08:07] Our clients have found relief from even the most chronic of symptoms including fibromyalgia, sciatica,
[00:08:13] migraines, gut issues, and other uncomfortable symptoms without pills or a long list of rituals and regimens.
[00:08:19] If you'd like to learn more about our program, head over to the show notes and learn more because the truth is that there is a
[00:08:26] protocol that works for you. You just might not have found the right balance for your body yet. Now, let's get back to the episode.
[00:08:34] Number two is that you might become rigid with certain health rules and how to spend your days,
[00:08:41] how to spend your time, what to eat, what not to eat, that stresses you out even more.
[00:08:45] And this kind of goes into the one before about slowing down, but it's a little nuanced, right?
[00:08:51] So like over time, you've probably learned that there are certain protocols, certain ways to do things, and
[00:08:58] really that just takes time to figure out. And there's not going to be one specific thing that totally transforms your health.
[00:09:06] It's an all approach,
[00:09:08] meaning it does take
[00:09:11] shift in your mental, emotional, and physical health to be able to actually see change.
[00:09:17] So if you become really rigid around one specific thing, and that's all you do,
[00:09:21] and that's all you put all of your hopes and dreams into this one thing that you're going to do to fix you,
[00:09:27] it's going to come with a lot of rigidity. And rigidity creates stress on the body.
[00:09:33] Because when you think there's one way to do something, like one right way,
[00:09:37] and you tell your mind that, and you tell your body that, and then all of a sudden it doesn't work,
[00:09:41] or at least it doesn't work in the way you thought it was going to,
[00:09:45] all your expectations have not been met, and you feel like you're a failure, and you feel like
[00:09:52] nothing's ever going to work again. So when you put all your eggs in one basket,
[00:09:56] it really actually puts way more stress on yourself and your life. And so I
[00:10:02] want to take away that rigidity, take away the all or nothing mindset,
[00:10:09] and really think about an all approach. And it takes time again to figure this out.
[00:10:15] Think about it this way. Your nervous system has been dysregulated long before you became aware of the signs.
[00:10:23] It's going to take some time
[00:10:26] to actually learn how to regulate it and take time to learn what your signals are.
[00:10:32] Every single year I've been doing this work, I start trusting myself even more and more.
[00:10:38] When I first started recognizing what the nervous system was, I actually was pretty rigid around it.
[00:10:43] I was like, okay, I need to do these skills. I need to eliminate these toxins from my life.
[00:10:48] I need to do X, Y, and Z. And while for a little bit it actually gave me some structure to understand how to do that,
[00:10:56] it ended up stressing me out more because I thought, well, if I'm doing these things in two months, nothing's changed.
[00:11:02] Again, it takes time.
[00:11:04] Year after year, I peel back different layers and I get deeper into this work and have a deeper relationship with myself.
[00:11:12] So really see if you can release the rigidity, become a little bit more flexible. If this feels a little scary or
[00:11:22] almost more overwhelming to release the rules,
[00:11:25] it means you're doing it well. It means it's right because that's going to bring up the feeling of
[00:11:32] getting out of control. And most of us who come across
[00:11:37] chronic illnesses, chronic pain, high anxiety, even eating disorders,
[00:11:42] tend to
[00:11:44] cope with life in a
[00:11:46] controlling way. And I don't say that in a very negative way,
[00:11:50] but we've learned over time through different experiences in life that we kind of feel out of control in different areas.
[00:11:55] Whether that's in a physical environmental area, whether that's with our mental or emotional health, our body,
[00:12:01] we feel out of control. It feels like our body's out to get us, right?
[00:12:05] Well, so in order to cope with that, we want to grab on to things to help fix it and control it.
[00:12:12] But what I'm saying is actually we need to release some of that control and
[00:12:17] learn how to be with that
[00:12:20] uncertainty, that anxiety that comes up with not having control. That's actually your work.
[00:12:26] That's your mental and emotional work when you're regulating your nervous system because that signifies so much
[00:12:33] probably of how you've grown up and what's going on in your life.
[00:12:36] So release some of that rigidity, learn how to sit with the messiness of some of this.
[00:12:42] It is messy. It is frustrating. It's disappointing at times.
[00:12:46] That's the type of feeling that we need
[00:12:48] to learn how to be a little bit better,
[00:12:51] able to sit with. And what I mean sit with, I mean feel it,
[00:12:55] acknowledge it, but do not give it any type of judgment. No criticism around how you feel,
[00:13:01] no judgment around how you should or shouldn't be doing, should or shouldn't be feeling,
[00:13:05] be able to be with the uncertainty and become a little bit more flexible with yourself.
[00:13:11] Number three, one of the biggest mistakes I see in nervous system regulation
[00:13:16] is that you don't focus on your internal mental and emotional health and you only focus on the physical.
[00:13:23] Yes, the physical matters, but often what drives the physical dysregulation,
[00:13:28] so the symptoms of anxiety, gut issues, migraines, chronic pain,
[00:13:32] things like sensory issues, all those physical manifestations of your nervous system.
[00:13:38] What drives it is actually the mental and emotional health that's been stuck for many years.
[00:13:44] You might be someone who's actually really great at avoiding emotions and you might even be sitting
[00:13:48] there being like, well, yeah, I don't know how to just feel. I'm not one of those people
[00:13:53] that just sits down, listens to something and cry, and that's okay. You don't have to do that,
[00:13:59] but what you do need to do is look a little bit more at the negative patterns that you've developed
[00:14:04] over time. So the patterning, when I say patterning, I mean the way that you've learned how to cope
[00:14:11] with life and you're not doing this consciously. It's unconscious. Over time, we go through
[00:14:18] certain experiences in life and we build up certain coping mechanisms to deal with how those
[00:14:24] experiences, usually the difficult ones, have affected us. And those coping patterns are not
[00:14:30] always helpful. They've helped us get to a certain point, meaning they've really helped us
[00:14:36] be able to just be in the world and not totally collapse, if you will. But after a while,
[00:14:42] those coping patterns don't work anymore. And so, for example, some coping mechanisms might be
[00:14:49] needing to control everything around you, right? Needing to know when something's gonna happen
[00:14:54] or not happen. A coping mechanism is actually anxiety. Anxiety is a way to cope with the
[00:14:59] world with stress, even though it may not feel like it. Coping mechanisms are also your physical
[00:15:05] symptoms. Those are ways that your body has now thought that coping with life can make it
[00:15:12] easier instead of dealing with the mental and emotional health. Coping mechanisms might be
[00:15:17] like the fact that you're always rushing around, moving from thing to thing and always being busy.
[00:15:23] Being constantly and chronically busy is actually a coping mechanism for the inability
[00:15:28] to be with life, be with your mental and emotional unconscious. Another coping mechanism
[00:15:34] might be things like always being on your phone, right? Having a hard time putting it down,
[00:15:39] watching a lot of TV, constantly being around people that reinforce your negative patterns.
[00:15:46] So when you become aware of these negative patterns, then you actually can go deeper
[00:15:50] and learn how to reprogram. So I want to give you an example. I've learned in my chronic health
[00:15:57] a pattern for me. So for example, I know that I'm an avoider. I'm an avoider of emotions.
[00:16:03] I don't always react to something in the moment. I'm usually a little bit delayed
[00:16:08] in my response. I also know that I'm really hard on myself. I will very easily think that I'm the
[00:16:15] problem. I end up shaming myself. I think that I'm not good enough and these play out very often
[00:16:23] when triggers come up. But I don't recognize it in the moment. My pattern is that a few days
[00:16:31] all of a sudden I will notice some heaviness come about. I'll notice some brain fog. I'm
[00:16:36] having trouble getting out of bed. These are my physical symptoms that have come
[00:16:41] with chronic illness. Like I said in my first episode, I actually stopped experiencing this for
[00:16:49] quite a while until this past year when I went through a divorce and the trauma of that really
[00:16:54] impacted me. So what I've really understood now is that I'll have a few days where I'm pretty
[00:17:01] heavy, fatigue, brain fog, and I just don't understand why it's coming back up. And for a
[00:17:07] while this past year, I was trying to do all the things. I was activating my vagus nerve. I was
[00:17:12] doing lymph drainage. I was listening to my self-healing playlists and my meditations
[00:17:20] and my brain retraining. And I was doing all these things even on a daily basis and
[00:17:25] especially when the symptoms popped up, but nothing was shifting. I finally made a
[00:17:32] hall moment. I made a click recently in the past six months or so. And what I realized was I wasn't
[00:17:39] feeling. I wasn't doing the emotional and mental work. Now, side note, I was feeling
[00:17:46] like I was crying. I was overwhelmed. I was grieving. But I was so frustrated. I was
[00:17:55] resisting what was actually there. The crying came out of just anger and frustration. It wasn't me
[00:18:02] acknowledging that it was okay to feel that. And so my process now is when something comes up,
[00:18:10] I might go through a day or something of being in that frustrated, hopeless place.
[00:18:14] But then I know what I need to do. I need to sit down and I need to really acknowledge
[00:18:21] what is coming up. I need to feel and I listen to one of my meditations. I need to journal about it.
[00:18:28] I need to journal about what's going on in my life. What's been going on. Is there anything
[00:18:32] that's triggered me? And sometimes I don't fully know, but I do know that when I allow myself
[00:18:38] the space to just be and feel whatever is going on or whatever is being triggered
[00:18:45] without judgment, without any criticism, like true acceptance that this is okay,
[00:18:52] my symptoms shift. And I'm not kidding you, it's literally overnight. I wake up the next morning
[00:18:59] and I'm like, Oh, well, feel back to myself again. Like it's that quick for me now. I can do this
[00:19:07] in a day, because I know that really getting myself that full acceptance to just be and feel
[00:19:14] with what's happening helps me move forward. Because for me specifically, and this probably
[00:19:19] is the case for many of you as well. But again, everyone has their own processes that for me,
[00:19:25] I resist and avoid and judge where I am in life and what I'm feeling. And so when I'm judging
[00:19:32] myself, I'm dismissing me. I'm literally saying you're not doing well. You're not good enough.
[00:19:38] You should be different. You should be in a different place than you are. You're not
[00:19:42] x, y and z, right? You're not good enough. That's really harmful to my nervous system.
[00:19:47] So when I release some of that and I acknowledge actually, you know what, I am exactly where I
[00:19:52] need to be. This is my life journey. And I'm going to lean into and accept that. I don't have to
[00:19:57] like it. I don't have to love it at all. acceptance means you are just with it. It is what it is.
[00:20:06] Acceptance is huge in our mental and emotional process. So that's just one example of how I move
[00:20:12] through the mental and emotional components of my nervous system. Number four. You forget to look
[00:20:20] at your lifestyle and don't actually make any changes to your environment. So I want to say
[00:20:27] this is that I recognize that lifestyle changes can come with some privilege, right? It can be
[00:20:33] a privileged state to make certain big changes that you might need to in life, like financial
[00:20:38] changes, job situations, relationships, things that can't just happen overnight. And you might be
[00:20:45] reliant on some of the environment that you're in that could be harming you. So I'm not saying
[00:20:50] this is going to take overnight, but I am saying we have to look at it. And whether you can make
[00:20:55] a change in it, or we help you learn how to relate to it differently, whatever it is,
[00:21:01] we have to look at it. So you can do all the work you want on yourself,
[00:21:05] do as many regulation practices for you as possible, go to therapy, do a lot of work,
[00:21:10] and make some progress. All of that is fantastic, and I highly recommend really working on you.
[00:21:16] And if you're doing that and nothing is really shifting, or at least there's definitely
[00:21:21] still some progress to be made, more often than not, we're not looking at our environment.
[00:21:26] And what I mean by that is our environment is who are you around? What are you looking at
[00:21:31] constantly? What's on your phone? What's on your screen? What's in front of you? How is your sleep?
[00:21:37] How's your sleep hygiene? Are you getting outside enough? Where's your job at? Like what's going on?
[00:21:44] All of these things matter because if we're stuck in a negative environment for us,
[00:21:50] we're not truly going to be able to feel secure and feel safe and grounded
[00:21:55] so that we can release some of these negative symptoms and our bodies can release it.
[00:21:59] So some simple things that you can do are really truly eliminating screen time. I know it is like
[00:22:06] the biggest thing and you might roll your eyes at me right now because it might seem minimal,
[00:22:11] but man, it is so freaking important. What you're looking at has a direct impact on your
[00:22:18] nervous system. So if you're constantly on social media or even watching TV shows where
[00:22:23] you're comparing yourself to them and you're saying, dang it, they have x, y, and z and I don't
[00:22:28] and all I want is this and I don't have it, you're dismissing yourself. You're sitting in a pool
[00:22:34] of judgment and criticism. That's not helpful. Also, if you're in a toxic work environment or
[00:22:40] a toxic relationship, whether that's romantic friendships, family, and you're constantly
[00:22:45] in this negative back and forth pattern and you're with your relationships,
[00:22:50] that's going to impact you and going to really prohibit you from actually feeling grounded and
[00:22:54] safe in your nervous system. So a big example and again, it doesn't have to be this dramatic,
[00:23:01] but I'll share with you. The past year, really the past couple of years that I was married,
[00:23:07] weren't all that, I will say. I don't believe in showing up and shaming my x at all. He's
[00:23:12] actually a wonderful person. We just did not fit well together. But what I'll say is that
[00:23:17] my nervous system really, truly couldn't feel grounded and secure because I was in a situation
[00:23:23] that wasn't helpful for me. It wasn't good for me. It wasn't in my highest alignment to stay with
[00:23:28] this person. And it caused me a lot of negative patterns and a lot of triggers for negative
[00:23:32] core beliefs about myself. I was doing so much other work. And again, that work really did
[00:23:38] help. But I was caught in this relationship that wasn't great for me. And relationships are
[00:23:45] actually at the core of us feeling safe. We're not meant to be alone. We're meant to be in connection
[00:23:50] with others. But we need to be in safe, secure relationships. And again, this doesn't mean that
[00:23:56] you need to go and delete everyone from your life because you're not in a secure attachment with
[00:24:01] your relationship. It's just, I'm here to help you look at that. Who are you around?
[00:24:08] Are you around a bunch of people all the time? Or even just some friends that are
[00:24:13] constantly gossiping and judging and in kind of low vibrational states of being,
[00:24:17] they're always negative. You're always complaining about something. Those are not helpful places
[00:24:23] and situations and people to be around because you take that on yourself. So it also takes you
[00:24:28] looking at like, what do you talk to people about? So one example of this is going back to the
[00:24:35] busy thing. Again, it's very socially acceptable to say, I'm so busy when someone asks how you're
[00:24:43] doing, right? And we kind of wear it like a badge of honor. Oh, I'm just so busy crazy with my job,
[00:24:48] the kids with this with school with X, Y and Z. I'm so busy. It's, it's, you know, stressful.
[00:24:54] And the other person says, Oh, yeah, right. Me too. X, Y and Z. And it almost becomes like
[00:25:00] a competition. So I invite you to look at how you respond and what kind of conversations you're
[00:25:06] having with people. Start to respond in a different way. Stop trying to be busy all the time.
[00:25:13] Work on how negative you are towards yourself and towards the world and towards others.
[00:25:18] I'm not sitting here talking about toxic positivity where all you need to do is think
[00:25:22] positive and think wonderfully. And you're going to align with those thoughts and
[00:25:27] the universe will align in your favor. That's not what I'm saying. And actually,
[00:25:31] I don't think that's how everything works. I am saying that the more you think,
[00:25:38] the more you talk, the more you are in a certain state of being and a negative state of being,
[00:25:44] your body takes it on. So this is your invitation to look at your environment.
[00:25:49] What's going on around you? What are you doing on a day to day basis?
[00:25:53] That's keeping you in a stuck environment instead of helping you move forward
[00:25:59] into a safer, more healthy environment for yourself.
[00:26:03] Okay, I hope this was helpful. Please let me know if you have any questions.
[00:26:08] I am always here to respond. Leave me a DM on Instagram.
[00:26:12] Thanks for tuning in to Heal with Grace.
[00:26:16] If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to me if you could
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[00:26:24] and tap the plus sign or click on the follow button so you don't miss an episode.
[00:26:28] It helps both of us out. While you're there, if you could give a five star review
[00:26:33] so that this podcast can reach more people, it would mean so much to me.
[00:26:37] So I can continue sharing episodes that help you as well as others.
[00:26:41] Thanks for listening and I hope this brings you hope on your journey.