Episode 61
Your Inner Critic Is Keeping You Sick: How to Silence Self-Doubt
Show notes
In this episode, Grace explores the voice that holds so many people back—the inner critic. That relentless self-doubt, the voice that whispers “you’re not enough,” can keep the mind and body stuck in cycles of stress, making true healing feel out of reach.
Grace unpacks:
- How negative self-talk impacts the body and mind
- The connection between self-judgment and chronic stress
- Where the inner critic comes from and why it develops
- How to rewrite inner dialogue with self-compassion
- Practical steps to shift from self-criticism to self-kindness
Healing begins with creating a safe, supportive space within. Through this conversation, Grace guides listeners on how to release self-doubt, embrace self-worth, and build a foundation for lasting inner healing.
How to work with Grace:
- Practitioner Training-Mind Body Integtration Method Founding Cohort
- Mind-Body Healing Method Course – Regulate your nervous system now
- Free Masterclass: How to Know If Your Nervous System Is Behind Your Symptoms
- Work with us in private mind-body coaching
- Subscribe to my Substack for the deeper how-to's
Connect with Grace
Read the transcript
[00:00:00] Hey there, and welcome to Heal with Grace.
[00:00:03] I'm your host, Grace Secker, and I'm a holistic licensed therapist and nervous system coach
[00:00:08] who believes that the chronic and often unseen symptoms you're living with are a sign of
[00:00:12] something deeper going on.
[00:00:14] A sign that your nervous system needs attention.
[00:00:17] In each episode, I'll share the science behind the most common chronic health disorders
[00:00:21] plus holistic health tips using mental, physical, and spiritual practices.
[00:00:26] You'll hear what I've learned in my journey and the true stories from our
[00:00:29] trusted guests so you can feel less alone in your experience and give yourself grace
[00:00:34] no matter what you're going through.
[00:00:36] So without further ado, settle in and get cozy.
[00:00:38] It's time to Heal with Grace.
[00:00:40] Hello, beautiful souls.
[00:00:43] Welcome back to the Heal with Grace podcast.
[00:00:46] We are diving deep in today to your inner critic, the place where you feel like you're
[00:00:50] not enough, you'll never get better, that voice that quietly sabotages your healing
[00:00:55] journey.
[00:00:56] Listening to this audio only just as the podcast, I hope you find a place that you can tune in
[00:01:01] whether that's walking or driving or just listening.
[00:01:04] And if you're seeing me on YouTube, hello, welcome, here's the thing.
[00:01:10] We're talking about this today because this voice of self-criticism, this is actually
[00:01:15] continuing to perpetuate your symptoms.
[00:01:18] And so what I want to help you understand is one, what's going on and how that happens,
[00:01:23] but also, how do you rewrite that narrative and replace it with one that nurtures rather
[00:01:28] than punishes you?
[00:01:29] So that's exactly what we're going to be talking about today, how negative self-talk
[00:01:33] impacts our well-being and most importantly, how we can silence that self-doubt and
[00:01:38] rewrite our inner stories.
[00:01:40] And one little announcement before we get started, I have talked about on here the
[00:01:45] power of feeling and being supported in this work because we cannot do this stuff
[00:01:51] alone at all.
[00:01:52] I cannot do this alone.
[00:01:54] Now I have skills and tools that I help myself for sure.
[00:01:56] But all of the mentors, all the teachers, therapists, coaches that I have had have
[00:01:59] gotten me to this place today and I am forever, forever grateful.
[00:02:03] And I will continue to always have a coach, a mentor, a therapist, someone that is in
[00:02:08] my corner and helping me see what I can't see, helping me see my blind spots.
[00:02:13] So that's what I love to do.
[00:02:16] I feel very called to this work because I've been helped in so many ways and
[00:02:19] I want to pay that forward and give that back.
[00:02:22] So if you are looking for support and you've thought about working with me
[00:02:25] or finding someone that help you through, really just finding a safe home in your
[00:02:30] body and stop feeling so erratic and up and down with your symptoms, I would
[00:02:35] love to support you.
[00:02:36] So find the link below to fill out my contact form and I'll reply to you
[00:02:40] same day and we can figure out if we're a good fit and I can help you
[00:02:44] understand yourself a little bit better and guide you through this work.
[00:02:48] Because again, I think we all need guidance.
[00:02:50] So if you have any questions, just let me know.
[00:02:53] And if not, let's jump right in.
[00:02:57] Okay.
[00:02:57] Now let's first start by breaking down what the inner critic actually is.
[00:03:04] So the inner critic is this internal voice that constantly judges,
[00:03:09] criticizes and doubts yourself.
[00:03:11] It doubts us, right?
[00:03:12] Like, while it might seem like it's just part of your life because a lot
[00:03:16] of times we're not aware of it until we start to discover like,
[00:03:19] oh, how many times we are criticizing ourselves or judging ourselves or
[00:03:24] feeling shame or guilt around just simply being who we are.
[00:03:28] This voice can really provide a major barrier to healing.
[00:03:32] We talk a lot about how to find safety in our bodies and our nervous systems
[00:03:35] and we can't feel safe if we don't feel okay with who we are or what
[00:03:39] we're doing and that's when criticism and judgment comes up.
[00:03:42] So think about it this way.
[00:03:44] If your body is struggling to recover, whether that's from emotional wounds,
[00:03:47] chronic illness, stress, a breakup relationship and your mind is constantly
[00:03:52] feeding it messages of inadequacy, shame or fear, how can true healing
[00:03:58] really take place, right?
[00:04:00] Dr. Kristin Neff is a leading researcher on self-compassion and she explains
[00:04:04] that negative self-talk activates our stress response and it releases
[00:04:08] cortisol, keeping us in a state of fight or flight.
[00:04:11] So remember that cortisol is a great thing.
[00:04:15] We need it, but when it is constantly being released and there's high, high
[00:04:18] levels of cortisol or the opposite, super low and there's not enough,
[00:04:22] it can really keep us in the state of stress and that state of fight or
[00:04:26] flight, which then impacts so much.
[00:04:28] It impacts our hormones.
[00:04:29] It impacts our mental health, our emotional health, our physical health.
[00:04:33] And when our body is in this survival mode, healing takes a back seat.
[00:04:38] Our bodies are inherently healing.
[00:04:40] It is incredible wisdom that we have in our bodies.
[00:04:44] And actually, all we really want it to do is to do its job to actually heal
[00:04:49] ourselves and to rejuvenate the cells in our bodies and kind of reset
[00:04:53] ourselves when we go to sleep and have restful sleep.
[00:04:56] And then when we go through a stressful situation, we want it to work through.
[00:05:00] Our bodies are literally meant to do that.
[00:05:01] It's just that when we get in this state of stress chronically over time,
[00:05:05] it's not allowed like it can't do that.
[00:05:07] It's put to the side.
[00:05:09] And this is truly biological.
[00:05:11] It's not just like, oh, think positive and you'll be better,
[00:05:14] right, or just have positive emotions and you'll feel better, right?
[00:05:18] It's not that at all, like not even close.
[00:05:21] I first want you to understand the impact of your negative thoughts of the criticism.
[00:05:26] Because the more you think in a negative way and you keep hurting yourself
[00:05:30] with criticizing and judging yourself, it actually just perpetuates
[00:05:34] that state that you're in.
[00:05:35] When you keep putting yourself down, you reinforce those pathways
[00:05:39] that are causing the brain that associate yourself with failure or with pain or with shame.
[00:05:44] And over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, physical symptoms like fatigue,
[00:05:49] chronic pain or digestive issues.
[00:05:51] Actually, it has been shown, it has been studied, that when we constantly think
[00:05:55] about ourselves in a negative way and or the food that we eat is a bad food
[00:06:00] or negative or is going to hurt us, it actually changes our digestion.
[00:06:04] Our bodies don't digest it because when we're constantly sending it signals
[00:06:08] the danger and criticizing ourselves with those negative thoughts,
[00:06:11] the digestion takes a back seat.
[00:06:14] Your body's like, oh, well, digestion takes energy.
[00:06:17] And so we need to put that to the side because we actually just need to survive right now.
[00:06:22] So sometimes I get passionate and excited and I talk fast.
[00:06:27] So I'm going to take a second, take an exhale for a minute.
[00:06:34] And so when we can come from this place of understanding the impact that our thoughts
[00:06:42] have on our bodies and start to shift that, oh man, there's so much that can change
[00:06:48] because then we have the landscape of a stronger foundation.
[00:06:53] It's as simple as if you keep watering your plants with water,
[00:06:58] they will live and they will grow and they will be happy.
[00:07:01] If you don't water it with water or maybe you put like Coca-Cola in your plants,
[00:07:05] this is not going to be very good, right?
[00:07:07] It's not going to grow.
[00:07:08] It's not actually what it needs to be nourished.
[00:07:10] So think about your thoughts in that way.
[00:07:12] The way that you respond to yourself matters.
[00:07:15] When we respond to ourselves in compassion and curiosity,
[00:07:20] that's the water for your plant, for your body.
[00:07:23] But when you respond with criticism and judgment and shame
[00:07:27] and we should be somewhere that we're not, that's the coke in the plant.
[00:07:31] So let me ask you this.
[00:07:33] Have you ever caught yourself saying things like,
[00:07:36] I should be better by now.
[00:07:37] I'm not strong enough to heal.
[00:07:39] Why are they doing it?
[00:07:40] Why are they healthy?
[00:07:41] Why are all these people having these success stories and I'm not?
[00:07:45] If you feel this way, you think this way,
[00:07:47] I promise you you're not alone.
[00:07:48] There's so many people that do.
[00:07:50] Myself included have had many of those patterns before,
[00:07:53] but we have to have the power to change this inner dialogue.
[00:07:57] And that's what we're going to explore.
[00:07:59] So what is the root of self doubt?
[00:08:02] Where does it come from?
[00:08:03] Our inner critic doesn't just appear out of nowhere.
[00:08:07] It's often shaped by childhood experiences,
[00:08:10] societal pressures and past traumas.
[00:08:12] So maybe you grew up in an environment where perfection was expected.
[00:08:17] You had to meet certain criteria, grades, sports and medals
[00:08:22] or whatever that might be to feel good enough to be good, essentially.
[00:08:28] Or perhaps you were told that being too emotional was a weakness.
[00:08:32] You never really felt safe to feel your emotions.
[00:08:35] And I have to say this.
[00:08:36] This shows up in many different ways.
[00:08:37] It doesn't just mean that we were in an abusive environment
[00:08:40] and neglected all the time or like criticized for feeling.
[00:08:43] Maybe you were.
[00:08:44] Maybe you were.
[00:08:45] It totally happens.
[00:08:46] And if you were, all the compassion to you.
[00:08:50] This also shows up as your parents missing you in an emotional way.
[00:08:55] Maybe they didn't actually really understand their emotions
[00:08:58] or learn how to sit with them or be with them in any way
[00:09:01] or any kind of healthy way.
[00:09:03] And so they never were able to give that space to you.
[00:09:06] Maybe you had a sick parent a lot
[00:09:08] and they couldn't show up to you in that way.
[00:09:10] This does not mean that they were bad people
[00:09:13] or that we need to shame them.
[00:09:15] And your psyche at that time, that child,
[00:09:20] that younger child part of you doesn't know any different
[00:09:24] than they just didn't pay attention to you.
[00:09:26] They don't understand why.
[00:09:28] Even if you grasp it consciously,
[00:09:30] your unconscious doesn't get that.
[00:09:33] All it knows is that no one showed up for you
[00:09:36] and gave you the space to feel or to be yourself.
[00:09:39] And so then over time, you internalize these messages,
[00:09:43] these ingrained beliefs of I'm not good enough,
[00:09:46] I can't handle things on my own,
[00:09:49] I'm not able to move past,
[00:09:51] I'm not able to feel like I'm too weak or I'm too much.
[00:09:55] That's how these things start to develop.
[00:09:58] And for many, self-doubt originates from experiences
[00:10:00] where we just truly felt unsafe for being our authentic self.
[00:10:04] And when this happens, again, it may not be super overt,
[00:10:09] but it could be due to criticism from parents
[00:10:12] or teachers or peers or even situations
[00:10:15] where showing up vulnerably led to rejection or ridicule.
[00:10:18] And again, when these internalized experiences happen,
[00:10:22] we learned to silence our true selves
[00:10:24] to avoid discomfort or perceived failure.
[00:10:27] So when this happens in the healing journey,
[00:10:30] and I'll share a little bit about something
[00:10:32] that I've noticed with myself,
[00:10:34] this is a very common pattern for me
[00:10:36] where I'll make some progress and I'll feel really good.
[00:10:39] And then I feel like I get stuck
[00:10:41] where nothing's moving in the right direction.
[00:10:45] And I have gone into this place of like,
[00:10:48] why can't I do this right?
[00:10:50] Like, I'm meditating, I'm journaling,
[00:10:52] I'm doing all the things.
[00:10:54] Why can't I get this right?
[00:10:56] Why is this still showing up for me?
[00:10:58] And then it leads to feelings of unworthiness,
[00:11:01] not good enough.
[00:11:03] And I saw this pattern happen over and over and over again.
[00:11:06] And it still happens in small ways,
[00:11:08] but what I realized is that this voice
[00:11:11] inside of me isn't actually mine.
[00:11:14] It's really just the echoes of things
[00:11:16] that I was told or learned growing up,
[00:11:19] the expectation of perfectionism,
[00:11:22] or the confusion of not knowing how to feel,
[00:11:25] not having the space to feel,
[00:11:27] cultural narratives that glorify suffering over self-care.
[00:11:31] I mean, how many times could people say,
[00:11:33] I'm busy and I don't have time, right?
[00:11:37] That's the way that our society set up,
[00:11:39] is to not have time for ourselves to feel to be okay with that.
[00:11:42] If we can recognize where our self-doubt comes from,
[00:11:46] it can be really helpful.
[00:11:47] It doesn't mean you need to pick apart all the pieces
[00:11:49] and understand trauma
[00:11:50] and understand every little piece of your life.
[00:11:52] Definitely doesn't mean that at all.
[00:11:54] But if you are in this place of feeling stuck
[00:11:57] and kind of feeling,
[00:11:58] I don't really understand why you're not making progress
[00:12:00] or you're feeling called to dig a little bit deeper,
[00:12:03] you might find this helpful
[00:12:05] to understand where these patterns came from.
[00:12:07] And once you can identify with that source,
[00:12:09] then you can start questioning
[00:12:10] whether those beliefs are actually true for you.
[00:12:12] So I'm going to guide you through some steps
[00:12:16] to help you kind of rewrite these belief systems.
[00:12:18] But I first just, you know,
[00:12:20] if this resonates with you
[00:12:21] and you feel like you want to dig a little bit deeper,
[00:12:23] start to ask yourself,
[00:12:24] okay, when did I first hear these?
[00:12:27] Who told me this?
[00:12:28] Whether it was directly or indirectly.
[00:12:31] What did I learn from the patterns of my family?
[00:12:34] How I grew up with the people around me?
[00:12:36] How did they handle emotions?
[00:12:38] How did they handle shame or failure
[00:12:40] or disappointment or rejection
[00:12:43] or just difficulty in life?
[00:12:45] How did they handle it?
[00:12:46] And you might be surprised what comes up.
[00:12:48] Maybe you learn a little bit.
[00:12:50] And if you do this,
[00:12:51] I just want to help you remind you
[00:12:54] compassion, compassion, compassion,
[00:12:57] compassion and curiosity.
[00:13:00] Be curious.
[00:13:01] Like, oh, interesting.
[00:13:03] That's something that I see.
[00:13:04] Okay.
[00:13:05] So how did that lead to where I am today?
[00:13:07] Okay.
[00:13:08] Oh, yeah.
[00:13:09] Like, let's give that pattern some compassion
[00:13:11] and let that inner part know that,
[00:13:14] okay, maybe we need to give it so much love
[00:13:18] and so much grace and so much flexibility.
[00:13:20] All right.
[00:13:21] So now I want to help you dive into
[00:13:26] how to rewrite these inner narratives.
[00:13:29] So how do we shift out of the negative beliefs
[00:13:32] and create a more supportive
[00:13:34] or healing inner dialogue?
[00:13:36] One of the most powerful ways to do this
[00:13:38] is through self-compassion.
[00:13:40] Like I just mentioned,
[00:13:41] instead of beating yourself up for the struggle,
[00:13:44] imagine speaking to yourself
[00:13:46] as you would a close friend.
[00:13:48] Would you tell your best friend
[00:13:49] that you're so weak for feeling this way?
[00:13:52] Why can't you just get your shit together?
[00:13:54] No, you wouldn't.
[00:13:55] At least I really hope you wouldn't.
[00:13:57] You would remind them of their strength,
[00:13:59] their resilience, their worth, right?
[00:14:01] And have compassion for them.
[00:14:03] Everyone is on their own journey and timeline
[00:14:06] and I cannot repeat that enough.
[00:14:07] Everyone is on their own journey and timeline
[00:14:09] and comes to different parts of this work
[00:14:11] in their own way.
[00:14:12] So respond to yourself like you would a friend,
[00:14:16] like you would a loved one,
[00:14:17] like you would your pet.
[00:14:18] Okay.
[00:14:19] I'm going to take you through a few different steps
[00:14:21] to understand your negative thoughts
[00:14:23] and to start to shift them.
[00:14:25] So if you are somewhere that you can't take notes
[00:14:28] and you want to,
[00:14:29] like go ahead and save this episode,
[00:14:31] come back to it.
[00:14:32] If you can, take some notes
[00:14:34] and see where it takes you.
[00:14:36] So first and foremost,
[00:14:38] you want to learn how to identify your negative thoughts.
[00:14:41] Maybe you already know
[00:14:42] a common negative pattern
[00:14:43] that you have about yourself.
[00:14:45] Write that down.
[00:14:46] And some of these might look like,
[00:14:48] I'm not good enough.
[00:14:49] I always have to get it right.
[00:14:51] I'm too damaged.
[00:14:52] I'm too weak.
[00:14:54] I'm not smart enough.
[00:14:56] These are some common unconscious negative beliefs
[00:15:00] that often drive a lot of our criticism
[00:15:02] and judgment and shame about ourselves.
[00:15:05] So write some of these things down
[00:15:07] and really lean into them.
[00:15:08] Is this what it feels like sometimes
[00:15:10] when you feel really bad about yourself,
[00:15:12] when you're doubting yourself all the time?
[00:15:14] See what else comes up.
[00:15:15] See what's common.
[00:15:16] What's a theme for you?
[00:15:18] Where does it show up?
[00:15:19] You can also totally Google
[00:15:21] like negative self-beliefs
[00:15:23] and you can find a list.
[00:15:24] Go through them
[00:15:25] and see what resonates the most with you.
[00:15:27] Once you've done this,
[00:15:28] a big part of it is awareness, right?
[00:15:31] So how can you recognize
[00:15:33] when this part keeps coming up?
[00:15:35] A lot of times it starts at the top
[00:15:37] where you will notice yourself
[00:15:39] being critical or judgmental
[00:15:40] or maybe you notice yourself
[00:15:41] feeling like you need to control
[00:15:43] and feeling like you need to be really rigid
[00:15:45] around something.
[00:15:46] Maybe that's work
[00:15:47] or a relationship
[00:15:48] or something specific about your life.
[00:15:50] Maybe your exercise routine
[00:15:51] and it's really hard for you to deviate
[00:15:54] from a certain plan or way of being.
[00:15:56] If you notice yourself,
[00:15:57] if you notice your body getting tight
[00:15:59] and controlled and not able to like
[00:16:01] exhale and relax
[00:16:03] or maybe you're always,
[00:16:04] you notice yourself using the word always.
[00:16:07] I always this.
[00:16:08] I always that.
[00:16:09] I can't do this.
[00:16:10] I can't do that.
[00:16:12] I should be doing this.
[00:16:13] I should be doing that.
[00:16:14] Or I could have done this
[00:16:15] or I could have done that.
[00:16:17] Those are a lot of examples
[00:16:18] of when we're stuck
[00:16:20] in a negative loop.
[00:16:21] So awareness.
[00:16:23] When does this start coming up?
[00:16:24] Maybe you keep a note on your phone
[00:16:26] and you start to become aware
[00:16:27] of when the shows up.
[00:16:29] And so when you can recognize this pattern,
[00:16:31] what's going on there?
[00:16:33] What perpetuated this negative thought?
[00:16:36] What experience person symptom?
[00:16:40] Like what is there
[00:16:41] that makes you go into this pattern of thought?
[00:16:44] And once you become more aware,
[00:16:45] I want you to start to ask yourself.
[00:16:47] Number two is challenging the thought.
[00:16:49] Ask yourself, is this thought absolutely true?
[00:16:52] Is there evidence to support this belief?
[00:16:55] Would I say this to someone I love?
[00:16:57] Probably not.
[00:16:58] Especially if you're using any of those words
[00:17:00] always, should, could, never,
[00:17:04] it's not true.
[00:17:05] Absolutes are not truth.
[00:17:07] We are not always something.
[00:17:09] We are not never something.
[00:17:11] If anything, we're always evolving and changing.
[00:17:13] That's the only constant always.
[00:17:15] So maybe you start to challenge the thought
[00:17:17] like, all right, I've accomplished many things in my life
[00:17:20] and I'm constantly learning and growing.
[00:17:22] Or you know what?
[00:17:23] I have made some progress in these areas
[00:17:25] or I actually see some areas where I'm not having these symptoms.
[00:17:28] I'm not perfect and it's not complete,
[00:17:30] but I'm learning and I'm growing
[00:17:32] and I'm giving myself compassion.
[00:17:34] It doesn't mean you need to go from like,
[00:17:36] everything sucks to I love myself
[00:17:38] and everything's better.
[00:17:39] We just need to meet ourselves in the middle.
[00:17:41] So one way you can do this
[00:17:43] is reframe the thought
[00:17:45] into a positive or neutral one,
[00:17:47] which would be number three in this whole process.
[00:17:50] So transform the self-criticism
[00:17:53] into a supportive and compassionate statement.
[00:17:55] For example, instead of
[00:17:57] I am not strong enough to heal,
[00:17:59] say healing is a journey
[00:18:01] and I'm taking steps each day to support myself.
[00:18:04] Compassion, neutral, supportive statements.
[00:18:08] And then you just keep repeating this.
[00:18:10] Anytime you notice you're saying,
[00:18:11] I'm not strong enough, I'm a failure,
[00:18:13] you're going to keep coming back to this like, you know what?
[00:18:16] Healing is a journey
[00:18:18] and I am taking steps each day to support myself.
[00:18:21] One thing too, if it doesn't feel true,
[00:18:24] if you feel like you're just saying the words to do it
[00:18:27] and it doesn't feel super connected,
[00:18:29] two things here.
[00:18:30] One, it takes practice.
[00:18:32] It does.
[00:18:33] It's not just going to like click into place right off the bat.
[00:18:36] But also two,
[00:18:37] I would suggest doing some sort of like
[00:18:39] slowing down breath,
[00:18:41] really tuning into yourself when you say these things.
[00:18:44] Maybe you take five deep breaths like into your nose,
[00:18:47] filling up your lungs and out through your mouth,
[00:18:51] just kind of grounding and noticing,
[00:18:54] grounding into yourself,
[00:18:55] grounding into your body as you say the new phrase
[00:18:58] that you want to say.
[00:19:00] When you do that,
[00:19:01] you're connecting the cognitive thought
[00:19:03] with the body sense of feeling safe.
[00:19:06] Then you're matching those two together.
[00:19:09] Okay.
[00:19:10] And then I really just want you to keep repeating these.
[00:19:13] Keep repeating them over and over.
[00:19:16] And some of these might look like
[00:19:18] I am enough just as I am.
[00:19:20] My healing happens at my own pace.
[00:19:23] I deserve kindness and patience
[00:19:25] and just keep using them over and over.
[00:19:27] This is different
[00:19:29] than just using positive affirmations
[00:19:31] to change your health.
[00:19:33] Remember, just thinking positively
[00:19:35] or trying to be positive
[00:19:37] is just a band-aid.
[00:19:38] And actually it's not even really a band-aid, to be honest.
[00:19:40] It doesn't really work
[00:19:41] because if you're not connected
[00:19:43] and you're not understanding where it's coming from
[00:19:45] and unraveling the negative beliefs
[00:19:47] that you're working with,
[00:19:48] then yeah, those positives don't happen.
[00:19:49] But if you can provide compassion
[00:19:51] and grace for yourself
[00:19:53] and be aware of those negative beliefs and patterns,
[00:19:55] then when you start to shift into
[00:19:57] the different ones that you want to try on,
[00:19:59] these new, more positive patterns
[00:20:02] and thought process,
[00:20:03] it will stick a little bit more.
[00:20:05] Again, it's a process. It's a journey.
[00:20:07] Maybe you practice gratitude for yourself
[00:20:09] and you write down things
[00:20:11] every day that you know
[00:20:13] you are working on.
[00:20:15] Like, okay, I spoke kindly to myself today.
[00:20:17] I drank enough water today.
[00:20:19] I took time to rest today.
[00:20:21] It doesn't matter how small it is
[00:20:23] and I know some of you might be like,
[00:20:25] I don't know. Does that really work?
[00:20:27] Does that really do enough? Right? Yes.
[00:20:29] Yes. Do it over and over.
[00:20:31] A lot of this is consistency.
[00:20:33] And just reminding yourself
[00:20:35] that it does take time.
[00:20:37] Now, is this the one thing that's going to completely heal you?
[00:20:39] No. But it's actually like
[00:20:41] one of the biggest parts.
[00:20:43] Your belief systems have everything
[00:20:45] to do with you making progress.
[00:20:47] When I see people getting really stuck,
[00:20:49] it's when they haven't worked with their belief systems
[00:20:51] or they still think of themselves
[00:20:53] as a horrible person
[00:20:55] and they have zero self-esteem.
[00:20:57] We cannot make a whole lot of progress
[00:20:59] if we don't really pour
[00:21:01] into and nourish ourselves
[00:21:03] on our inner level.
[00:21:05] Lastly, surround yourself
[00:21:07] with people,
[00:21:09] with positive reinforcement,
[00:21:11] with supportive friends,
[00:21:13] a journal where you can track your progress.
[00:21:15] So the people that we surround ourselves with
[00:21:17] impact how we think about ourselves.
[00:21:19] It's mirroring.
[00:21:21] When you're surrounded by a bunch of people
[00:21:23] that gossip all the time,
[00:21:25] that judge themselves,
[00:21:27] that talk negatively about everything,
[00:21:29] that time, it's exhausting
[00:21:31] and you take it on yourself
[00:21:33] and that energy transfers to your mind
[00:21:35] and to your body.
[00:21:37] So look at who you're surrounding yourself with,
[00:21:39] the types of activities you're surrounding yourself with,
[00:21:41] the content that you're taking in.
[00:21:43] This is a big one.
[00:21:45] What are you consuming?
[00:21:47] Is it uplifting? Is it funny?
[00:21:49] Is it creative?
[00:21:51] Or is it just a bunch of
[00:21:53] negative news and gossip
[00:21:55] and negative patterns
[00:21:57] that you're viewing from other people?
[00:21:59] That's not going to help you.
[00:22:01] So get really honest with yourself
[00:22:03] or are you surrounding yourself with?
[00:22:05] Self-doubt,
[00:22:07] negative self-esteem is contagious.
[00:22:09] Okay.
[00:22:11] One last part of this
[00:22:13] that I really want to help you understand
[00:22:15] is that piece of really connecting
[00:22:17] these negative thoughts
[00:22:19] to feeling actually true.
[00:22:21] So one thing to remember
[00:22:23] is that our inner critic often emerges
[00:22:25] in fear and on safety.
[00:22:27] So when we feel threatened,
[00:22:29] whether emotionally or physically,
[00:22:31] our brain searches for ways to regain control.
[00:22:33] Self-criticism becomes
[00:22:35] a misguided tool to fix ourselves
[00:22:37] before external rejection or failure
[00:22:39] can occur.
[00:22:41] So our negative thoughts are basically
[00:22:43] like protective mechanisms
[00:22:45] to stop us from
[00:22:47] something that our brains and our nervousness
[00:22:49] perceive as unsafe.
[00:22:51] So instead you're going to basically
[00:22:53] shame yourself so that no one else can shame you.
[00:22:55] That's kind of the idea,
[00:22:57] but it doesn't actually work like that.
[00:22:59] So when you notice,
[00:23:01] when you start to become aware of the thought patterns,
[00:23:03] I want you to also tune into your body patterns.
[00:23:05] I want you to recognize
[00:23:07] what is your body feeling?
[00:23:09] Does it feel heavy,
[00:23:11] tight, rigid,
[00:23:13] controlled?
[00:23:15] Do you feel pain when you're more negative
[00:23:17] in your thoughts and you're more shameful
[00:23:19] or critical in your thoughts?
[00:23:21] If criticism arises,
[00:23:23] I want you to place a hand on your heart
[00:23:25] and take a deep breath
[00:23:27] and remind yourself
[00:23:31] that you're safe in this moment.
[00:23:33] Engage in slow breath.
[00:23:35] Gentle movement.
[00:23:37] Notice that fear.
[00:23:39] Fear is underneath criticism
[00:23:41] and judgment.
[00:23:43] If you have the space to do so,
[00:23:45] go into feeling this fear
[00:23:47] and the way that you can do that
[00:23:49] is slowly doing it. Maybe it's just for
[00:23:51] time. Recognizing that that fear is there
[00:23:53] is that first step.
[00:23:55] What does fear feel like in your body?
[00:23:57] Is it like that pit in your stomach?
[00:23:59] Is it tightness in your chest? Is it shortness in your breath?
[00:24:01] Start to understand
[00:24:03] what fear feels like in your body
[00:24:05] so that when you feel it,
[00:24:07] you can expand your window of tolerance for it.
[00:24:09] By breathing and reminding yourself
[00:24:11] when your body and your mind that it's
[00:24:13] safe to feel this fear.
[00:24:15] Maybe
[00:24:17] you ground your feet into the ground
[00:24:19] and you name five things you can see,
[00:24:21] hear and feel
[00:24:23] to help your nervous system
[00:24:25] soothe if it's in fight or flight.
[00:24:27] Keep establishing safety
[00:24:29] and reminding yourself that
[00:24:31] you're learning. Mistakes are part of this.
[00:24:33] Share your feelings with yourself
[00:24:35] or with someone that you trust
[00:24:37] and just keep reminding yourself
[00:24:39] to affirm safety.
[00:24:41] Affirm your worth.
[00:24:43] You are not your negative thoughts.
[00:24:45] Your self-doubt thoughts.
[00:24:47] Those are not truth.
[00:24:49] So, when we can
[00:24:51] shift into safety and out of fear
[00:24:53] which, again,
[00:24:55] fear is at the bottom of self-judgment.
[00:24:57] It's at the root. It allows your body
[00:24:59] and mind to move from that fear place
[00:25:01] to healing and healing happens
[00:25:03] when we feel safe enough to allow it.
[00:25:05] Okay.
[00:25:07] As we wrap up, I'm going to remind
[00:25:09] you again.
[00:25:11] I've probably said it many times
[00:25:13] but I know I need to hear it over and over
[00:25:15] that you are not your thoughts.
[00:25:17] Your inner critic is just a voice.
[00:25:19] It is not you.
[00:25:21] And you have the power to rewrite these,
[00:25:23] to rewrite your story.
[00:25:25] So, choose self-compassion,
[00:25:27] over self-judgment,
[00:25:29] and embrace healing with kindness.
[00:25:31] Until next time, be gentle
[00:25:33] with yourself and remember
[00:25:35] you are worthy of healing always.
[00:25:37] If this podcast
[00:25:39] means something to you, it would mean so much
[00:25:41] to me if you could do these couple things.
[00:25:43] One, go to the Heal with Grace show page
[00:25:45] wherever you listen
[00:25:47] and tap the plus sign or click on the follow button
[00:25:49] so you don't miss an episode.
[00:25:51] It helps both of us out.
[00:25:53] While you're there, if you could give a five-star review
[00:25:55] so that this podcast can reach more
[00:25:57] people, it would mean so much
[00:25:59] to me so I can continue sharing episodes
[00:26:01] that help you as well as others.
[00:26:03] Thanks for listening
[00:26:05] and I hope this brings you hope on your journey.
[00:00:03] I'm your host, Grace Secker, and I'm a holistic licensed therapist and nervous system coach
[00:00:08] who believes that the chronic and often unseen symptoms you're living with are a sign of
[00:00:12] something deeper going on.
[00:00:14] A sign that your nervous system needs attention.
[00:00:17] In each episode, I'll share the science behind the most common chronic health disorders
[00:00:21] plus holistic health tips using mental, physical, and spiritual practices.
[00:00:26] You'll hear what I've learned in my journey and the true stories from our
[00:00:29] trusted guests so you can feel less alone in your experience and give yourself grace
[00:00:34] no matter what you're going through.
[00:00:36] So without further ado, settle in and get cozy.
[00:00:38] It's time to Heal with Grace.
[00:00:40] Hello, beautiful souls.
[00:00:43] Welcome back to the Heal with Grace podcast.
[00:00:46] We are diving deep in today to your inner critic, the place where you feel like you're
[00:00:50] not enough, you'll never get better, that voice that quietly sabotages your healing
[00:00:55] journey.
[00:00:56] Listening to this audio only just as the podcast, I hope you find a place that you can tune in
[00:01:01] whether that's walking or driving or just listening.
[00:01:04] And if you're seeing me on YouTube, hello, welcome, here's the thing.
[00:01:10] We're talking about this today because this voice of self-criticism, this is actually
[00:01:15] continuing to perpetuate your symptoms.
[00:01:18] And so what I want to help you understand is one, what's going on and how that happens,
[00:01:23] but also, how do you rewrite that narrative and replace it with one that nurtures rather
[00:01:28] than punishes you?
[00:01:29] So that's exactly what we're going to be talking about today, how negative self-talk
[00:01:33] impacts our well-being and most importantly, how we can silence that self-doubt and
[00:01:38] rewrite our inner stories.
[00:01:40] And one little announcement before we get started, I have talked about on here the
[00:01:45] power of feeling and being supported in this work because we cannot do this stuff
[00:01:51] alone at all.
[00:01:52] I cannot do this alone.
[00:01:54] Now I have skills and tools that I help myself for sure.
[00:01:56] But all of the mentors, all the teachers, therapists, coaches that I have had have
[00:01:59] gotten me to this place today and I am forever, forever grateful.
[00:02:03] And I will continue to always have a coach, a mentor, a therapist, someone that is in
[00:02:08] my corner and helping me see what I can't see, helping me see my blind spots.
[00:02:13] So that's what I love to do.
[00:02:16] I feel very called to this work because I've been helped in so many ways and
[00:02:19] I want to pay that forward and give that back.
[00:02:22] So if you are looking for support and you've thought about working with me
[00:02:25] or finding someone that help you through, really just finding a safe home in your
[00:02:30] body and stop feeling so erratic and up and down with your symptoms, I would
[00:02:35] love to support you.
[00:02:36] So find the link below to fill out my contact form and I'll reply to you
[00:02:40] same day and we can figure out if we're a good fit and I can help you
[00:02:44] understand yourself a little bit better and guide you through this work.
[00:02:48] Because again, I think we all need guidance.
[00:02:50] So if you have any questions, just let me know.
[00:02:53] And if not, let's jump right in.
[00:02:57] Okay.
[00:02:57] Now let's first start by breaking down what the inner critic actually is.
[00:03:04] So the inner critic is this internal voice that constantly judges,
[00:03:09] criticizes and doubts yourself.
[00:03:11] It doubts us, right?
[00:03:12] Like, while it might seem like it's just part of your life because a lot
[00:03:16] of times we're not aware of it until we start to discover like,
[00:03:19] oh, how many times we are criticizing ourselves or judging ourselves or
[00:03:24] feeling shame or guilt around just simply being who we are.
[00:03:28] This voice can really provide a major barrier to healing.
[00:03:32] We talk a lot about how to find safety in our bodies and our nervous systems
[00:03:35] and we can't feel safe if we don't feel okay with who we are or what
[00:03:39] we're doing and that's when criticism and judgment comes up.
[00:03:42] So think about it this way.
[00:03:44] If your body is struggling to recover, whether that's from emotional wounds,
[00:03:47] chronic illness, stress, a breakup relationship and your mind is constantly
[00:03:52] feeding it messages of inadequacy, shame or fear, how can true healing
[00:03:58] really take place, right?
[00:04:00] Dr. Kristin Neff is a leading researcher on self-compassion and she explains
[00:04:04] that negative self-talk activates our stress response and it releases
[00:04:08] cortisol, keeping us in a state of fight or flight.
[00:04:11] So remember that cortisol is a great thing.
[00:04:15] We need it, but when it is constantly being released and there's high, high
[00:04:18] levels of cortisol or the opposite, super low and there's not enough,
[00:04:22] it can really keep us in the state of stress and that state of fight or
[00:04:26] flight, which then impacts so much.
[00:04:28] It impacts our hormones.
[00:04:29] It impacts our mental health, our emotional health, our physical health.
[00:04:33] And when our body is in this survival mode, healing takes a back seat.
[00:04:38] Our bodies are inherently healing.
[00:04:40] It is incredible wisdom that we have in our bodies.
[00:04:44] And actually, all we really want it to do is to do its job to actually heal
[00:04:49] ourselves and to rejuvenate the cells in our bodies and kind of reset
[00:04:53] ourselves when we go to sleep and have restful sleep.
[00:04:56] And then when we go through a stressful situation, we want it to work through.
[00:05:00] Our bodies are literally meant to do that.
[00:05:01] It's just that when we get in this state of stress chronically over time,
[00:05:05] it's not allowed like it can't do that.
[00:05:07] It's put to the side.
[00:05:09] And this is truly biological.
[00:05:11] It's not just like, oh, think positive and you'll be better,
[00:05:14] right, or just have positive emotions and you'll feel better, right?
[00:05:18] It's not that at all, like not even close.
[00:05:21] I first want you to understand the impact of your negative thoughts of the criticism.
[00:05:26] Because the more you think in a negative way and you keep hurting yourself
[00:05:30] with criticizing and judging yourself, it actually just perpetuates
[00:05:34] that state that you're in.
[00:05:35] When you keep putting yourself down, you reinforce those pathways
[00:05:39] that are causing the brain that associate yourself with failure or with pain or with shame.
[00:05:44] And over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, physical symptoms like fatigue,
[00:05:49] chronic pain or digestive issues.
[00:05:51] Actually, it has been shown, it has been studied, that when we constantly think
[00:05:55] about ourselves in a negative way and or the food that we eat is a bad food
[00:06:00] or negative or is going to hurt us, it actually changes our digestion.
[00:06:04] Our bodies don't digest it because when we're constantly sending it signals
[00:06:08] the danger and criticizing ourselves with those negative thoughts,
[00:06:11] the digestion takes a back seat.
[00:06:14] Your body's like, oh, well, digestion takes energy.
[00:06:17] And so we need to put that to the side because we actually just need to survive right now.
[00:06:22] So sometimes I get passionate and excited and I talk fast.
[00:06:27] So I'm going to take a second, take an exhale for a minute.
[00:06:34] And so when we can come from this place of understanding the impact that our thoughts
[00:06:42] have on our bodies and start to shift that, oh man, there's so much that can change
[00:06:48] because then we have the landscape of a stronger foundation.
[00:06:53] It's as simple as if you keep watering your plants with water,
[00:06:58] they will live and they will grow and they will be happy.
[00:07:01] If you don't water it with water or maybe you put like Coca-Cola in your plants,
[00:07:05] this is not going to be very good, right?
[00:07:07] It's not going to grow.
[00:07:08] It's not actually what it needs to be nourished.
[00:07:10] So think about your thoughts in that way.
[00:07:12] The way that you respond to yourself matters.
[00:07:15] When we respond to ourselves in compassion and curiosity,
[00:07:20] that's the water for your plant, for your body.
[00:07:23] But when you respond with criticism and judgment and shame
[00:07:27] and we should be somewhere that we're not, that's the coke in the plant.
[00:07:31] So let me ask you this.
[00:07:33] Have you ever caught yourself saying things like,
[00:07:36] I should be better by now.
[00:07:37] I'm not strong enough to heal.
[00:07:39] Why are they doing it?
[00:07:40] Why are they healthy?
[00:07:41] Why are all these people having these success stories and I'm not?
[00:07:45] If you feel this way, you think this way,
[00:07:47] I promise you you're not alone.
[00:07:48] There's so many people that do.
[00:07:50] Myself included have had many of those patterns before,
[00:07:53] but we have to have the power to change this inner dialogue.
[00:07:57] And that's what we're going to explore.
[00:07:59] So what is the root of self doubt?
[00:08:02] Where does it come from?
[00:08:03] Our inner critic doesn't just appear out of nowhere.
[00:08:07] It's often shaped by childhood experiences,
[00:08:10] societal pressures and past traumas.
[00:08:12] So maybe you grew up in an environment where perfection was expected.
[00:08:17] You had to meet certain criteria, grades, sports and medals
[00:08:22] or whatever that might be to feel good enough to be good, essentially.
[00:08:28] Or perhaps you were told that being too emotional was a weakness.
[00:08:32] You never really felt safe to feel your emotions.
[00:08:35] And I have to say this.
[00:08:36] This shows up in many different ways.
[00:08:37] It doesn't just mean that we were in an abusive environment
[00:08:40] and neglected all the time or like criticized for feeling.
[00:08:43] Maybe you were.
[00:08:44] Maybe you were.
[00:08:45] It totally happens.
[00:08:46] And if you were, all the compassion to you.
[00:08:50] This also shows up as your parents missing you in an emotional way.
[00:08:55] Maybe they didn't actually really understand their emotions
[00:08:58] or learn how to sit with them or be with them in any way
[00:09:01] or any kind of healthy way.
[00:09:03] And so they never were able to give that space to you.
[00:09:06] Maybe you had a sick parent a lot
[00:09:08] and they couldn't show up to you in that way.
[00:09:10] This does not mean that they were bad people
[00:09:13] or that we need to shame them.
[00:09:15] And your psyche at that time, that child,
[00:09:20] that younger child part of you doesn't know any different
[00:09:24] than they just didn't pay attention to you.
[00:09:26] They don't understand why.
[00:09:28] Even if you grasp it consciously,
[00:09:30] your unconscious doesn't get that.
[00:09:33] All it knows is that no one showed up for you
[00:09:36] and gave you the space to feel or to be yourself.
[00:09:39] And so then over time, you internalize these messages,
[00:09:43] these ingrained beliefs of I'm not good enough,
[00:09:46] I can't handle things on my own,
[00:09:49] I'm not able to move past,
[00:09:51] I'm not able to feel like I'm too weak or I'm too much.
[00:09:55] That's how these things start to develop.
[00:09:58] And for many, self-doubt originates from experiences
[00:10:00] where we just truly felt unsafe for being our authentic self.
[00:10:04] And when this happens, again, it may not be super overt,
[00:10:09] but it could be due to criticism from parents
[00:10:12] or teachers or peers or even situations
[00:10:15] where showing up vulnerably led to rejection or ridicule.
[00:10:18] And again, when these internalized experiences happen,
[00:10:22] we learned to silence our true selves
[00:10:24] to avoid discomfort or perceived failure.
[00:10:27] So when this happens in the healing journey,
[00:10:30] and I'll share a little bit about something
[00:10:32] that I've noticed with myself,
[00:10:34] this is a very common pattern for me
[00:10:36] where I'll make some progress and I'll feel really good.
[00:10:39] And then I feel like I get stuck
[00:10:41] where nothing's moving in the right direction.
[00:10:45] And I have gone into this place of like,
[00:10:48] why can't I do this right?
[00:10:50] Like, I'm meditating, I'm journaling,
[00:10:52] I'm doing all the things.
[00:10:54] Why can't I get this right?
[00:10:56] Why is this still showing up for me?
[00:10:58] And then it leads to feelings of unworthiness,
[00:11:01] not good enough.
[00:11:03] And I saw this pattern happen over and over and over again.
[00:11:06] And it still happens in small ways,
[00:11:08] but what I realized is that this voice
[00:11:11] inside of me isn't actually mine.
[00:11:14] It's really just the echoes of things
[00:11:16] that I was told or learned growing up,
[00:11:19] the expectation of perfectionism,
[00:11:22] or the confusion of not knowing how to feel,
[00:11:25] not having the space to feel,
[00:11:27] cultural narratives that glorify suffering over self-care.
[00:11:31] I mean, how many times could people say,
[00:11:33] I'm busy and I don't have time, right?
[00:11:37] That's the way that our society set up,
[00:11:39] is to not have time for ourselves to feel to be okay with that.
[00:11:42] If we can recognize where our self-doubt comes from,
[00:11:46] it can be really helpful.
[00:11:47] It doesn't mean you need to pick apart all the pieces
[00:11:49] and understand trauma
[00:11:50] and understand every little piece of your life.
[00:11:52] Definitely doesn't mean that at all.
[00:11:54] But if you are in this place of feeling stuck
[00:11:57] and kind of feeling,
[00:11:58] I don't really understand why you're not making progress
[00:12:00] or you're feeling called to dig a little bit deeper,
[00:12:03] you might find this helpful
[00:12:05] to understand where these patterns came from.
[00:12:07] And once you can identify with that source,
[00:12:09] then you can start questioning
[00:12:10] whether those beliefs are actually true for you.
[00:12:12] So I'm going to guide you through some steps
[00:12:16] to help you kind of rewrite these belief systems.
[00:12:18] But I first just, you know,
[00:12:20] if this resonates with you
[00:12:21] and you feel like you want to dig a little bit deeper,
[00:12:23] start to ask yourself,
[00:12:24] okay, when did I first hear these?
[00:12:27] Who told me this?
[00:12:28] Whether it was directly or indirectly.
[00:12:31] What did I learn from the patterns of my family?
[00:12:34] How I grew up with the people around me?
[00:12:36] How did they handle emotions?
[00:12:38] How did they handle shame or failure
[00:12:40] or disappointment or rejection
[00:12:43] or just difficulty in life?
[00:12:45] How did they handle it?
[00:12:46] And you might be surprised what comes up.
[00:12:48] Maybe you learn a little bit.
[00:12:50] And if you do this,
[00:12:51] I just want to help you remind you
[00:12:54] compassion, compassion, compassion,
[00:12:57] compassion and curiosity.
[00:13:00] Be curious.
[00:13:01] Like, oh, interesting.
[00:13:03] That's something that I see.
[00:13:04] Okay.
[00:13:05] So how did that lead to where I am today?
[00:13:07] Okay.
[00:13:08] Oh, yeah.
[00:13:09] Like, let's give that pattern some compassion
[00:13:11] and let that inner part know that,
[00:13:14] okay, maybe we need to give it so much love
[00:13:18] and so much grace and so much flexibility.
[00:13:20] All right.
[00:13:21] So now I want to help you dive into
[00:13:26] how to rewrite these inner narratives.
[00:13:29] So how do we shift out of the negative beliefs
[00:13:32] and create a more supportive
[00:13:34] or healing inner dialogue?
[00:13:36] One of the most powerful ways to do this
[00:13:38] is through self-compassion.
[00:13:40] Like I just mentioned,
[00:13:41] instead of beating yourself up for the struggle,
[00:13:44] imagine speaking to yourself
[00:13:46] as you would a close friend.
[00:13:48] Would you tell your best friend
[00:13:49] that you're so weak for feeling this way?
[00:13:52] Why can't you just get your shit together?
[00:13:54] No, you wouldn't.
[00:13:55] At least I really hope you wouldn't.
[00:13:57] You would remind them of their strength,
[00:13:59] their resilience, their worth, right?
[00:14:01] And have compassion for them.
[00:14:03] Everyone is on their own journey and timeline
[00:14:06] and I cannot repeat that enough.
[00:14:07] Everyone is on their own journey and timeline
[00:14:09] and comes to different parts of this work
[00:14:11] in their own way.
[00:14:12] So respond to yourself like you would a friend,
[00:14:16] like you would a loved one,
[00:14:17] like you would your pet.
[00:14:18] Okay.
[00:14:19] I'm going to take you through a few different steps
[00:14:21] to understand your negative thoughts
[00:14:23] and to start to shift them.
[00:14:25] So if you are somewhere that you can't take notes
[00:14:28] and you want to,
[00:14:29] like go ahead and save this episode,
[00:14:31] come back to it.
[00:14:32] If you can, take some notes
[00:14:34] and see where it takes you.
[00:14:36] So first and foremost,
[00:14:38] you want to learn how to identify your negative thoughts.
[00:14:41] Maybe you already know
[00:14:42] a common negative pattern
[00:14:43] that you have about yourself.
[00:14:45] Write that down.
[00:14:46] And some of these might look like,
[00:14:48] I'm not good enough.
[00:14:49] I always have to get it right.
[00:14:51] I'm too damaged.
[00:14:52] I'm too weak.
[00:14:54] I'm not smart enough.
[00:14:56] These are some common unconscious negative beliefs
[00:15:00] that often drive a lot of our criticism
[00:15:02] and judgment and shame about ourselves.
[00:15:05] So write some of these things down
[00:15:07] and really lean into them.
[00:15:08] Is this what it feels like sometimes
[00:15:10] when you feel really bad about yourself,
[00:15:12] when you're doubting yourself all the time?
[00:15:14] See what else comes up.
[00:15:15] See what's common.
[00:15:16] What's a theme for you?
[00:15:18] Where does it show up?
[00:15:19] You can also totally Google
[00:15:21] like negative self-beliefs
[00:15:23] and you can find a list.
[00:15:24] Go through them
[00:15:25] and see what resonates the most with you.
[00:15:27] Once you've done this,
[00:15:28] a big part of it is awareness, right?
[00:15:31] So how can you recognize
[00:15:33] when this part keeps coming up?
[00:15:35] A lot of times it starts at the top
[00:15:37] where you will notice yourself
[00:15:39] being critical or judgmental
[00:15:40] or maybe you notice yourself
[00:15:41] feeling like you need to control
[00:15:43] and feeling like you need to be really rigid
[00:15:45] around something.
[00:15:46] Maybe that's work
[00:15:47] or a relationship
[00:15:48] or something specific about your life.
[00:15:50] Maybe your exercise routine
[00:15:51] and it's really hard for you to deviate
[00:15:54] from a certain plan or way of being.
[00:15:56] If you notice yourself,
[00:15:57] if you notice your body getting tight
[00:15:59] and controlled and not able to like
[00:16:01] exhale and relax
[00:16:03] or maybe you're always,
[00:16:04] you notice yourself using the word always.
[00:16:07] I always this.
[00:16:08] I always that.
[00:16:09] I can't do this.
[00:16:10] I can't do that.
[00:16:12] I should be doing this.
[00:16:13] I should be doing that.
[00:16:14] Or I could have done this
[00:16:15] or I could have done that.
[00:16:17] Those are a lot of examples
[00:16:18] of when we're stuck
[00:16:20] in a negative loop.
[00:16:21] So awareness.
[00:16:23] When does this start coming up?
[00:16:24] Maybe you keep a note on your phone
[00:16:26] and you start to become aware
[00:16:27] of when the shows up.
[00:16:29] And so when you can recognize this pattern,
[00:16:31] what's going on there?
[00:16:33] What perpetuated this negative thought?
[00:16:36] What experience person symptom?
[00:16:40] Like what is there
[00:16:41] that makes you go into this pattern of thought?
[00:16:44] And once you become more aware,
[00:16:45] I want you to start to ask yourself.
[00:16:47] Number two is challenging the thought.
[00:16:49] Ask yourself, is this thought absolutely true?
[00:16:52] Is there evidence to support this belief?
[00:16:55] Would I say this to someone I love?
[00:16:57] Probably not.
[00:16:58] Especially if you're using any of those words
[00:17:00] always, should, could, never,
[00:17:04] it's not true.
[00:17:05] Absolutes are not truth.
[00:17:07] We are not always something.
[00:17:09] We are not never something.
[00:17:11] If anything, we're always evolving and changing.
[00:17:13] That's the only constant always.
[00:17:15] So maybe you start to challenge the thought
[00:17:17] like, all right, I've accomplished many things in my life
[00:17:20] and I'm constantly learning and growing.
[00:17:22] Or you know what?
[00:17:23] I have made some progress in these areas
[00:17:25] or I actually see some areas where I'm not having these symptoms.
[00:17:28] I'm not perfect and it's not complete,
[00:17:30] but I'm learning and I'm growing
[00:17:32] and I'm giving myself compassion.
[00:17:34] It doesn't mean you need to go from like,
[00:17:36] everything sucks to I love myself
[00:17:38] and everything's better.
[00:17:39] We just need to meet ourselves in the middle.
[00:17:41] So one way you can do this
[00:17:43] is reframe the thought
[00:17:45] into a positive or neutral one,
[00:17:47] which would be number three in this whole process.
[00:17:50] So transform the self-criticism
[00:17:53] into a supportive and compassionate statement.
[00:17:55] For example, instead of
[00:17:57] I am not strong enough to heal,
[00:17:59] say healing is a journey
[00:18:01] and I'm taking steps each day to support myself.
[00:18:04] Compassion, neutral, supportive statements.
[00:18:08] And then you just keep repeating this.
[00:18:10] Anytime you notice you're saying,
[00:18:11] I'm not strong enough, I'm a failure,
[00:18:13] you're going to keep coming back to this like, you know what?
[00:18:16] Healing is a journey
[00:18:18] and I am taking steps each day to support myself.
[00:18:21] One thing too, if it doesn't feel true,
[00:18:24] if you feel like you're just saying the words to do it
[00:18:27] and it doesn't feel super connected,
[00:18:29] two things here.
[00:18:30] One, it takes practice.
[00:18:32] It does.
[00:18:33] It's not just going to like click into place right off the bat.
[00:18:36] But also two,
[00:18:37] I would suggest doing some sort of like
[00:18:39] slowing down breath,
[00:18:41] really tuning into yourself when you say these things.
[00:18:44] Maybe you take five deep breaths like into your nose,
[00:18:47] filling up your lungs and out through your mouth,
[00:18:51] just kind of grounding and noticing,
[00:18:54] grounding into yourself,
[00:18:55] grounding into your body as you say the new phrase
[00:18:58] that you want to say.
[00:19:00] When you do that,
[00:19:01] you're connecting the cognitive thought
[00:19:03] with the body sense of feeling safe.
[00:19:06] Then you're matching those two together.
[00:19:09] Okay.
[00:19:10] And then I really just want you to keep repeating these.
[00:19:13] Keep repeating them over and over.
[00:19:16] And some of these might look like
[00:19:18] I am enough just as I am.
[00:19:20] My healing happens at my own pace.
[00:19:23] I deserve kindness and patience
[00:19:25] and just keep using them over and over.
[00:19:27] This is different
[00:19:29] than just using positive affirmations
[00:19:31] to change your health.
[00:19:33] Remember, just thinking positively
[00:19:35] or trying to be positive
[00:19:37] is just a band-aid.
[00:19:38] And actually it's not even really a band-aid, to be honest.
[00:19:40] It doesn't really work
[00:19:41] because if you're not connected
[00:19:43] and you're not understanding where it's coming from
[00:19:45] and unraveling the negative beliefs
[00:19:47] that you're working with,
[00:19:48] then yeah, those positives don't happen.
[00:19:49] But if you can provide compassion
[00:19:51] and grace for yourself
[00:19:53] and be aware of those negative beliefs and patterns,
[00:19:55] then when you start to shift into
[00:19:57] the different ones that you want to try on,
[00:19:59] these new, more positive patterns
[00:20:02] and thought process,
[00:20:03] it will stick a little bit more.
[00:20:05] Again, it's a process. It's a journey.
[00:20:07] Maybe you practice gratitude for yourself
[00:20:09] and you write down things
[00:20:11] every day that you know
[00:20:13] you are working on.
[00:20:15] Like, okay, I spoke kindly to myself today.
[00:20:17] I drank enough water today.
[00:20:19] I took time to rest today.
[00:20:21] It doesn't matter how small it is
[00:20:23] and I know some of you might be like,
[00:20:25] I don't know. Does that really work?
[00:20:27] Does that really do enough? Right? Yes.
[00:20:29] Yes. Do it over and over.
[00:20:31] A lot of this is consistency.
[00:20:33] And just reminding yourself
[00:20:35] that it does take time.
[00:20:37] Now, is this the one thing that's going to completely heal you?
[00:20:39] No. But it's actually like
[00:20:41] one of the biggest parts.
[00:20:43] Your belief systems have everything
[00:20:45] to do with you making progress.
[00:20:47] When I see people getting really stuck,
[00:20:49] it's when they haven't worked with their belief systems
[00:20:51] or they still think of themselves
[00:20:53] as a horrible person
[00:20:55] and they have zero self-esteem.
[00:20:57] We cannot make a whole lot of progress
[00:20:59] if we don't really pour
[00:21:01] into and nourish ourselves
[00:21:03] on our inner level.
[00:21:05] Lastly, surround yourself
[00:21:07] with people,
[00:21:09] with positive reinforcement,
[00:21:11] with supportive friends,
[00:21:13] a journal where you can track your progress.
[00:21:15] So the people that we surround ourselves with
[00:21:17] impact how we think about ourselves.
[00:21:19] It's mirroring.
[00:21:21] When you're surrounded by a bunch of people
[00:21:23] that gossip all the time,
[00:21:25] that judge themselves,
[00:21:27] that talk negatively about everything,
[00:21:29] that time, it's exhausting
[00:21:31] and you take it on yourself
[00:21:33] and that energy transfers to your mind
[00:21:35] and to your body.
[00:21:37] So look at who you're surrounding yourself with,
[00:21:39] the types of activities you're surrounding yourself with,
[00:21:41] the content that you're taking in.
[00:21:43] This is a big one.
[00:21:45] What are you consuming?
[00:21:47] Is it uplifting? Is it funny?
[00:21:49] Is it creative?
[00:21:51] Or is it just a bunch of
[00:21:53] negative news and gossip
[00:21:55] and negative patterns
[00:21:57] that you're viewing from other people?
[00:21:59] That's not going to help you.
[00:22:01] So get really honest with yourself
[00:22:03] or are you surrounding yourself with?
[00:22:05] Self-doubt,
[00:22:07] negative self-esteem is contagious.
[00:22:09] Okay.
[00:22:11] One last part of this
[00:22:13] that I really want to help you understand
[00:22:15] is that piece of really connecting
[00:22:17] these negative thoughts
[00:22:19] to feeling actually true.
[00:22:21] So one thing to remember
[00:22:23] is that our inner critic often emerges
[00:22:25] in fear and on safety.
[00:22:27] So when we feel threatened,
[00:22:29] whether emotionally or physically,
[00:22:31] our brain searches for ways to regain control.
[00:22:33] Self-criticism becomes
[00:22:35] a misguided tool to fix ourselves
[00:22:37] before external rejection or failure
[00:22:39] can occur.
[00:22:41] So our negative thoughts are basically
[00:22:43] like protective mechanisms
[00:22:45] to stop us from
[00:22:47] something that our brains and our nervousness
[00:22:49] perceive as unsafe.
[00:22:51] So instead you're going to basically
[00:22:53] shame yourself so that no one else can shame you.
[00:22:55] That's kind of the idea,
[00:22:57] but it doesn't actually work like that.
[00:22:59] So when you notice,
[00:23:01] when you start to become aware of the thought patterns,
[00:23:03] I want you to also tune into your body patterns.
[00:23:05] I want you to recognize
[00:23:07] what is your body feeling?
[00:23:09] Does it feel heavy,
[00:23:11] tight, rigid,
[00:23:13] controlled?
[00:23:15] Do you feel pain when you're more negative
[00:23:17] in your thoughts and you're more shameful
[00:23:19] or critical in your thoughts?
[00:23:21] If criticism arises,
[00:23:23] I want you to place a hand on your heart
[00:23:25] and take a deep breath
[00:23:27] and remind yourself
[00:23:31] that you're safe in this moment.
[00:23:33] Engage in slow breath.
[00:23:35] Gentle movement.
[00:23:37] Notice that fear.
[00:23:39] Fear is underneath criticism
[00:23:41] and judgment.
[00:23:43] If you have the space to do so,
[00:23:45] go into feeling this fear
[00:23:47] and the way that you can do that
[00:23:49] is slowly doing it. Maybe it's just for
[00:23:51] time. Recognizing that that fear is there
[00:23:53] is that first step.
[00:23:55] What does fear feel like in your body?
[00:23:57] Is it like that pit in your stomach?
[00:23:59] Is it tightness in your chest? Is it shortness in your breath?
[00:24:01] Start to understand
[00:24:03] what fear feels like in your body
[00:24:05] so that when you feel it,
[00:24:07] you can expand your window of tolerance for it.
[00:24:09] By breathing and reminding yourself
[00:24:11] when your body and your mind that it's
[00:24:13] safe to feel this fear.
[00:24:15] Maybe
[00:24:17] you ground your feet into the ground
[00:24:19] and you name five things you can see,
[00:24:21] hear and feel
[00:24:23] to help your nervous system
[00:24:25] soothe if it's in fight or flight.
[00:24:27] Keep establishing safety
[00:24:29] and reminding yourself that
[00:24:31] you're learning. Mistakes are part of this.
[00:24:33] Share your feelings with yourself
[00:24:35] or with someone that you trust
[00:24:37] and just keep reminding yourself
[00:24:39] to affirm safety.
[00:24:41] Affirm your worth.
[00:24:43] You are not your negative thoughts.
[00:24:45] Your self-doubt thoughts.
[00:24:47] Those are not truth.
[00:24:49] So, when we can
[00:24:51] shift into safety and out of fear
[00:24:53] which, again,
[00:24:55] fear is at the bottom of self-judgment.
[00:24:57] It's at the root. It allows your body
[00:24:59] and mind to move from that fear place
[00:25:01] to healing and healing happens
[00:25:03] when we feel safe enough to allow it.
[00:25:05] Okay.
[00:25:07] As we wrap up, I'm going to remind
[00:25:09] you again.
[00:25:11] I've probably said it many times
[00:25:13] but I know I need to hear it over and over
[00:25:15] that you are not your thoughts.
[00:25:17] Your inner critic is just a voice.
[00:25:19] It is not you.
[00:25:21] And you have the power to rewrite these,
[00:25:23] to rewrite your story.
[00:25:25] So, choose self-compassion,
[00:25:27] over self-judgment,
[00:25:29] and embrace healing with kindness.
[00:25:31] Until next time, be gentle
[00:25:33] with yourself and remember
[00:25:35] you are worthy of healing always.
[00:25:37] If this podcast
[00:25:39] means something to you, it would mean so much
[00:25:41] to me if you could do these couple things.
[00:25:43] One, go to the Heal with Grace show page
[00:25:45] wherever you listen
[00:25:47] and tap the plus sign or click on the follow button
[00:25:49] so you don't miss an episode.
[00:25:51] It helps both of us out.
[00:25:53] While you're there, if you could give a five-star review
[00:25:55] so that this podcast can reach more
[00:25:57] people, it would mean so much
[00:25:59] to me so I can continue sharing episodes
[00:26:01] that help you as well as others.
[00:26:03] Thanks for listening
[00:26:05] and I hope this brings you hope on your journey.