The Dark Side of Clean Living

[00:00:00] Hey, hey, and welcome back to the Heal with Grace podcast y'all, this is my 93rd, I did
[00:00:10] double check 93rd recorded episode, which means we are coming up on the 100th episode
[00:00:17] of the Heal with Grace podcast. And as I say that out loud, I'm thinking, whoa,
[00:00:24] what does that number mean? I was trying to think about this. I'm like, it just seems
[00:00:27] like a number to, to celebrate, to acknowledge. I don't know in the podcast world if that really
[00:00:34] means anything significant necessarily, I don't know. I'm still to be honest, like,
[00:00:38] new to this whole, what are, what are the most downloads mean or subscribe, people subscribing
[00:00:45] or reviews, like what's important, like what am I looking for? Just as I learned this world
[00:00:50] and navigate it. I mean, the most important thing is sharing and giving you tips and
[00:00:56] learning along the way with you as well. But I just thought I would share that if you've been
[00:01:00] here for a while and you've been listening, thanks for listening. I have learned so much,
[00:01:06] so much on this podcast journey, never in a million years did I think that I would have
[00:01:14] a podcast. I mean, I think I've mentioned this before, but like I grew up with learning
[00:01:20] disabilities and really had trouble speaking and speaking in the way of expressing myself and
[00:01:28] using my words and articulating myself. And I have always had this idea that I don't express myself well
[00:01:38] and people have a hard time understanding me and I'm not smart enough to share or have a podcast,
[00:01:43] things like that, like all those limiting beliefs. And then I mumble, which is,
[00:01:48] that is true actually in the beginning of this podcast. I actually very much so worked
[00:01:53] on my mumbling. I would string words together and not articulate very well, which if we actually
[00:02:00] want to get into the belief system about that, maybe this will help some of you.
[00:02:04] Our mechanisms cover up what we're insecure about, right? Or we, they cover up maybe
[00:02:10] that's not being seen. So when I mumble through words and I talk quickly and fastly,
[00:02:16] that's really coming from a belief system that I'm not worthy to be heard or seen.
[00:02:20] So I just want to get through it quickly because, you know, maybe someone won't pay
[00:02:24] attention long enough to really understand me. And that's something I've had to work through
[00:02:28] because I never was really heard very well, growing up and didn't have the space to express
[00:02:33] myself. So I just share that to help you, to help you again, continue to learn about your
[00:02:40] own mechanisms of behavior. It doesn't mean anything's wrong with you or it's bad.
[00:02:44] It's just something we learn to protect ourselves. And for me, talking quickly and mumbling and not
[00:02:50] expressing myself was a way to stay quiet and silent and not ruffle any feathers or,
[00:02:57] you know, show up in a way where I would feel or get rejected because that probably happened a lot.
[00:03:01] So yeah. All right. Well, that was an intro to a podcast that this podcast has nothing to
[00:03:08] do with that really. So we're going to go ahead and get started and learn about what is the dark side
[00:03:16] of clean living? What is the dark side of a healthy lifestyle? And what does that actually mean?
[00:03:24] Hey there and welcome to Heal with Grace. I'm your host Grace Secker and I'm a holistic
[00:03:29] licensed therapist and nervous system coach who believes that the chronic and often unseen
[00:03:33] symptoms you're living with are a sign of something deeper going on. A sign that your
[00:03:38] nervous system needs attention. In each episode, I'll share the science behind the most common
[00:03:43] chronic health disorders plus holistic health tips using mental, physical and spiritual practices.
[00:03:49] You'll hear what I've learned in my journey and the true stories from our trusted guests
[00:03:53] so you can feel less alone in your experience and give yourself grace no matter what you're
[00:03:58] going through. So without further ado, settle in and get cozy. It's time to heal with Grace.
[00:04:04] So here we go. Have you ever tried to be so healthy that you actually made yourself sick? I have?
[00:04:14] Oh, I have so many times actually. Living clean, eating clean, non-toxic
[00:04:22] is such a world, right? And I am sitting here. I am not a hit like I am sitting here from a
[00:04:29] place of I live in that world and I have lived both in the rigid side of it and the unhealthy side
[00:04:37] and I feel like I've really come into a balance with it all in terms of healthy culture, healing
[00:04:42] culture, clean living culture, non-toxic non-toxicity, all the things. And I just want to bring a
[00:04:48] little bit more awareness to it because I feel like there's not enough. We don't talk about this
[00:04:52] enough. First and foremost, when you have dealt with any type of health issues, mental or physical
[00:05:00] health, eventually you might make your way to this world of changing your diet, changing your
[00:05:07] lifestyle. Let's just talk about the physical implications of it, right? So things like changing
[00:05:14] your diet, biohacking, changing the way that you show up in the world, using different mechanisms
[00:05:23] like healing tools, like medical devices and things to help soothe your nervous system or to
[00:05:32] detox your body. I mean, we could go on and on and on, like clear out your house of toxins,
[00:05:39] all the things. That world, actually, to be honest, I say world, it doesn't have to be a world,
[00:05:46] it just is, it's something, right, that we're becoming more aware of as people in society,
[00:05:49] which is not a bad thing. If you haven't noticed on this podcast, I really just like to bring
[00:05:54] balance to things because as humans, like to be really all or nothing. And I think that's
[00:05:59] where this world has gone. And this idea of if you're not living in this clean way,
[00:06:06] then you're hurting yourself. And so I'll just gonna share my story around it and hopes that
[00:06:14] it helps you because when we do anything from a sense of urgency or rigidness or all or nothing,
[00:06:24] there's not often a lot that comes from it, a lot of good that comes from it, maybe for a
[00:06:29] little bit. The same way we talk about, you know, shifting how you respond to your symptoms,
[00:06:35] shift with a sense of compassion and flexibility and curiosity instead of
[00:06:40] pressure and rigidness and perfectionism. And so I think that that's where a lot of us can get stuck
[00:06:45] and when we learned about clean living. So I first kind of started to change the way that
[00:06:51] I see my health back, honestly, in college kind of grad school era, where I was dealing with
[00:06:58] a lot of pain. And if you haven't heard my story, you can go back into episodes to
[00:07:01] hear that. I went to a functional holistic doctor who put me on the paleo diet and told me
[00:07:09] that just educated me essentially around the types of food we eat and what's in our food
[00:07:16] and how to change your diet to help heal your body. So I felt, I mean, this is completely
[00:07:23] new to me. First and foremost, I came from, I was one of those kids who literally lived
[00:07:27] off chicken fingers and grilled cheeses and hot dogs. I was incredibly picky, incredibly sensitive
[00:07:33] child. So, so, so sensitive. I mean, I was like, yeah, I probably should have been diagnosed with a
[00:07:40] processing sensory processing disorder, but it was not. And so I was just very picky about a
[00:07:47] lot of things and specifically food. So when I came to this world and this doctor was like,
[00:07:51] you should be eating this way. We just want to make sure our bodies are clean. We're
[00:07:55] going to go help you go through a detox, we're going to help put you on the supplements and all
[00:07:59] the things. So I went down that route and my, my characteristics were the ones of getting really
[00:08:07] rigid and all or nothing about it. So this isn't everyone, right? It's not bad for everyone.
[00:08:14] But for people like me who take things on and want to do it perfectly, I, that's what I did.
[00:08:20] I wanted to do this perfectly. So I got in my brain that, oh, well, if I stray even one
[00:08:25] ounce from this diet, I am going to have symptoms. I am going to get sick. I am not going to do well
[00:08:32] and I'm not going to heal. Man, that's a lot of pressure. That's so much pressure,
[00:08:38] especially back then. This was probably like 20, oh man, I don't know, 13, 14, like gluten-free
[00:08:45] stuff was not available everywhere. Paleo diet was brand new and not really heard of and everyone
[00:08:52] around me was like, what are you doing, Grace? Thinking I was crazy. I brought kombucha to a
[00:08:58] party one time when this was the era I drank a lot and I was surrounded by a lot of people that drank
[00:09:04] a lot and I stopped drinking, which was, I mean, to be honest, that is huge for me. That was
[00:09:08] huge for me at the time. I drank a lot. Yeah. So my point being is I went down a very, very strict
[00:09:18] diet. That is when I developed a eating disorder, clean eating disorder. It didn't start off on
[00:09:24] calories and fat and wanting to reduce my body, but it ended up being that way.
[00:09:29] And the lifestyle perpetuates it, right? That the clean eating community kind of perpetuates that
[00:09:40] and we forget that actually the more pressure you put on yourselves, the worse it is for your
[00:09:45] health and your body. So if you're eating so clean, no sugar, no dairy, no gluten,
[00:09:51] only complex carbs, like you're eating so specifically,
[00:09:57] it will hurt you more if you're rigid around it and shameful about it and putting a lot of pressure
[00:10:03] on yourself than it will if you actually eat some of these things that are supposed to be not great
[00:10:08] for your body. Like we have to remember that it's not just food or it's not just lack of
[00:10:14] toxins in our bodies that affect us. It's our emotional state. We know that very much
[00:10:19] so with mind, body neuroplastic symptoms, our emotional state, the pressure, the stress,
[00:10:24] the negative thinking that we put on ourselves that actually, to be honest, hurts us way more
[00:10:31] than drinking alcohol or eating some dessert. And so I just really, really want to help people
[00:10:39] grasp this. It is not just the physical side. It is truly the emotional and mental side that's
[00:10:44] going to help us. So it first started off with clean diet, then it went down, then I went down
[00:11:07] the rabbit hole of non toxic products and everything that I use, everything that I wear,
[00:11:14] anything I put in or on my body, which again, is not a bad thing, all in moderation.
[00:11:22] Right. I mean, to the point where, you know, my body has gotten used to not a lot of
[00:11:27] smelly things that I put on it or, you know, I don't use perfume or sprays that smell like
[00:11:34] bed bath and beyond, you know, and I don't want to sit here and shame things and be critical.
[00:11:42] But there is a real component to that. There truly is. I don't want to put a lot of chemicals
[00:11:47] in my body or on my body at the same time. I am not strict about it. I don't really care
[00:11:54] if I go somewhere else to stay on vacation and I use all different kinds of products,
[00:12:00] basic products. That's fine with me. I wash my hair with those things. I don't, I don't bring
[00:12:06] my shampoo and conditioner with me because I just don't want to deal with that. So that's
[00:12:10] kind of what I mean by balance is like, yes, let's, let's help ourselves by being aware of
[00:12:16] how our nervous system responds to our environment, physically, mentally and emotionally.
[00:12:21] And also we know that if there's worry around it or pressure around it, that's worse than actually
[00:12:29] the lack of products that we put in ourselves or lack of toxins that we put in our bodies.
[00:12:34] So the one thing that I want to note here is that, again, with all or nothing way of thinking,
[00:12:42] I started to go into the opposite end of the direction when I was healing from my eating
[00:12:46] disorder, because as you go through eating disorder recovery, you have to come from,
[00:12:52] you have to get to a place where you recognize all foods are good. We got to get away from that
[00:12:57] rigidness. Your body does not depend on the food that you eat, the type of food that you eat,
[00:13:03] your body image does not mean everything about you. There's a lot of things that we have to
[00:13:08] unlearn. And for me, it was really like the clean eating for other people. It might be that
[00:13:13] carbs are not bad, calories are not bad, fat is not bad, you know, saggy skin is not bad,
[00:13:21] things like that. For me, it was it's okay if my food is not quote unquote clean, or that I'm
[00:13:31] eating something with extra chemicals in it. That for me was what I had to get through and
[00:13:36] get past. And so I started to kind of go in the opposite end of the direction where I just
[00:13:40] didn't give a crap what I ate. It didn't give a shit. Well, I shouldn't say it that way. It's not
[00:13:45] that I didn't give a shit. It was more just like I learned how to eat to fuel my body and to enjoy
[00:13:50] what I was eating. And then I just kind of stopped there. I didn't think about it. I had to let
[00:13:55] go of the nuance of clean living and eating. I really like I think for me, it was really
[00:14:00] important to let go of that for a few years. And truly just didn't care that much at all,
[00:14:06] didn't lean into it. Like, all right, sure, I maybe would continue to buy some of the products that
[00:14:14] I bought, but like, I didn't really give too much of a thought around it. And what I noticed
[00:14:21] in that time period, and well, here we go, we're going to talk about it, because I think,
[00:14:26] especially if you're listening to this and you are in recovery, or maybe you're a practitioner
[00:14:30] who's an eating disorder therapist or an itician or something, I'm going to talk about
[00:14:34] something that not everyone agrees with, is that sometimes we can get stuck in the recovery world
[00:14:41] around the fact that it's bad almost to focus on food as medicine, that oh, if you buy certain
[00:14:51] products or only ask for almond milk or oat milk at the coffee shop instead of regular milk,
[00:14:58] well, then you're disordered and that's not okay. And you're actually not recovered.
[00:15:03] There's this like, weird culture here where I remember going out to eat with some people
[00:15:09] sometimes, especially if they were eating disorder clinicians or dietitians and like,
[00:15:13] I felt very balanced and good and recovered in my place. But I would question what I was
[00:15:18] ordering because I was like, well, if I don't order something with carbs or sugar,
[00:15:23] are they going to think that I'm disordered? Or if I prefer the oat milk, is that,
[00:15:28] are they going to judge me for that? So I do think that we need to recognize that,
[00:15:35] that judgment around food at all is not okay. Everyone needs to have their own balanced way
[00:15:41] of eating. And if that is not choosing the dairy milk, not because you're not allergic or not
[00:15:47] because you're intolerant, but because you prefer that, and maybe you have learned that you
[00:15:53] don't want to drink the added hormones and dairy, that needs to be okay. It doesn't mean
[00:15:57] it's disordered. It can become disordered. Sure, it can. Like I said, for me, it did. Yeah, no dairy,
[00:16:03] no gluten. I've thought everything was the devil. But I think that we need to bring this awareness
[00:16:08] to the judgment around what we have as food, whether that is when you're in recovery, when
[00:16:13] you're not, and understanding that it's all about balance and integration, balance with
[00:16:20] physical environment, mental environment, emotional environment. That all matters. The
[00:16:25] way we approach ourselves and our life matters more than how we do it. Or I'm sorry,
[00:16:30] matters more than what we do with it, right? The way we approach food matters more than the food
[00:16:35] itself. The way we approach our emotions matters more than the emotions themselves somewhat.
[00:16:42] Actually, I will put a caveat there is that we do need to be able to express ourselves and have
[00:16:47] all emotions be okay. But if we're approaching them from a place of judgment, that's not
[00:16:52] helpful. The way we approach our thoughts, our mental health matters so much regardless of the
[00:16:58] fact of how we're experiencing our mental health. So over the years, especially having like, I've
[00:17:04] had one foot in eating disorder world, one foot in chronic illness and pain world. And it's very
[00:17:10] interesting to be here because there's a lot of judgment in both worlds around what you eat,
[00:17:17] what you don't eat, how you live, what products you use, all the things. And so what I'm realizing
[00:17:24] is the most important things are how you listen to your body instead of going about the rules that
[00:17:29] you may have learned that work for someone else, caring for your nervous system as the foundation,
[00:17:35] not just what's on your plate, and really moving away from perfection towards trust.
[00:17:42] So for example, enjoying pizza with friends without spiraling, regardless of what world you're in,
[00:17:49] I actually remember when I was really deep in it, when I was truly in like my, you can say,
[00:17:55] call it orthorexia, which is really clean eating obsession. Rather than anorexia or bulimia,
[00:18:00] it was really this orthorexia like hyper fixation on clean eating for me at the time.
[00:18:06] And I was going to this naturopath who would talk about how, I mean, really, it was probably
[00:18:12] pretty good for me to hear it, but I couldn't hear it. He would talk about balance. And he was
[00:18:15] like, yeah, I mean, my wife go get pizza every Friday. And in my mind, I was judging the
[00:18:20] shit out of him. I was like, how can he sit here and talk to me about a holistic and natural
[00:18:27] lifestyle if he's going to eat pizza every week? And in my mind, I was like, once a week,
[00:18:32] that's insane. That's so bad. Like he's not good at this. Man, I had such a judgmental mind at that
[00:18:42] point. And really at the end of the day, it's very healthy. If that's what they enjoy and they love
[00:18:48] to do 100%, go do it. The most important thing is just choosing balanced, nutrient dense meals
[00:18:54] when they feel good and not because of rigid rules and having a flexibility and awareness
[00:18:59] at the same time. So that's my soapbox for clean eating and lifestyle. Really understanding that
[00:19:09] the more that you try to make it perfect, the more that you try to go down this route of detox in
[00:19:14] your body, eating clean, not doing things in your life because you're afraid of the food or
[00:19:20] the toxins or the environment you're going to be in, that's when it becomes disordered.
[00:19:24] That's when it becomes a problem is when it impairs your life, not because you're choosing,
[00:19:30] choosing maybe to get more sleep and stay in a little bit more. But if you're staying in all
[00:19:37] the time and you can't get away from your routine, that's a problem. Right? Do you see a difference
[00:19:42] here? Like choosing things because it feels good and you're choosing yourself, like you're
[00:19:48] choosing what you know will help you feel good the next day. So maybe not staying out as late
[00:19:53] or maybe eating a certain meal that you know is just going to help you feel good. That's all
[00:19:57] wonderful. It's just that we don't want it to become this rigidness where if you stray from it,
[00:20:03] you're fearful and you're afraid. Something's going to happen or you're not good enough or
[00:20:07] you're not doing it well enough. That's where this gets sticky. So the real healing lies in
[00:20:14] safety in the nervous system to know that when you feel okay and safe, it's okay to have this
[00:20:20] balanced lifestyle. We don't need the rigidness and the restrictions and the rules. We know from
[00:20:25] most work that flexibility and curiosity and compassion towards the body is, oh, it's the
[00:20:32] medicine. It's everything. If we are shaming ourselves or judging ourselves or trying to
[00:20:38] fit in this box of this biohacking clean living lifestyle, it's going to stress you out more
[00:20:45] than actually help you. So just remember that if it stresses you more than helps you,
[00:20:48] it's not helpful. So let's redefine health as freedom, not restriction. The more you tune
[00:20:57] into yourself, the more freedom you should have. It should be putting you in a box.
[00:21:06] So just a few things to close out here is that remember that the dark side of living is that
[00:21:12] it steals the very thing you're trying to protect, your health, your joy, your life.
[00:21:19] If it is stealing that, if it's taking away from you living your authentic life with joy
[00:21:25] and liveliness and peace, it's hurting you, not helping you. So start to ask yourself,
[00:21:34] are you making your choices from fear and control or from trust and care?
[00:21:42] I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day or evening whenever you're paying attention to this.
[00:21:49] I mean, you're listening to this. And if this sparked any kind of like, oh my gosh, that sounds
[00:21:57] like me. Or I am definitely in that or maybe I'm edging towards that. And you want a little
[00:22:04] more support in this area. This is this blend of like trying to understand healthy living and
[00:22:11] going from eating disorders to chronic health and pain and being in both worlds and being in both
[00:22:15] recovery worlds. That is my jam. It's where I meet you. And I have one-on-one spots available
[00:22:22] for therapy if you are wanting that support. So find the link below, reach out to me,
[00:22:30] and I would love to see if you are a good fit. And I have a couple spots left for the rest of
[00:22:36] this year. All right, lovelies, I will talk to you next time. Keep healing with grace. See you later.
[00:22:44] If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to me if you could do
[00:22:48] these couple things. One, go to the heal with grace show page wherever you listen and tap the
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[00:22:58] While you're there, if you could give a five star review so that this podcast can reach more
[00:23:03] people, it would mean so much to me. So I can continue sharing episodes that help you
[00:23:08] as well as others. Thanks for listening and I hope this brings you hope on your journey.